Summer and Jobs, Ramadan, Meat..

        Well, I finally have a job. I actually had 2 jobs but I quit one. I managed to work out my school tuition issues, and I received financial aid, and a scholarship!! I feel truly blessed. I was so worried about how I would pay off my tuition. I will be taking a summer class online by next week. I will have only one class left, which is a language class for Spanish. I wish it was offered in the summer, which it usually is offered in summer, but there wasn't any and now I have to wait and take it in the fall. I guess since its more of an intermediate level of Spanish, it might not be easily covered in summer sessions, which are usually shorter classes.

                           

            The two jobs I have, well had, were at this Indian restaurant called Dosa Place, and JcPenney. I first started at Dosa Place, and I worked for 2 weeks. I was doing a little bit of everything. I was the busser, the hostess, the waitress, and prep cook, and dishwasher. Yea, it was too much for me. I was getting paid $8 per hour and the tips the customers would leave, I would not get. The owners only took the orders, so I thought it made some sense. But now I told my coworker at JcP and he even said that is like a crime. Its true since customers believe they are tipping me, and I get pretty descent tips, but instead the owner takes them. For instance if one customer gets about $14-$15 worth of food, at most I have made $3-4. If about 5 to 8 tables come in one day, usually weekends, it is $20-$40 on tips, so I would be making, $11-12 an hour. Which is good since I was basically doing everything. The only good side to this job was I got free food, but it is only vegetarian and sometimes it wasn't so great. They put way too many spices and herbs, and they don't take the leaves of the herbs out. So every ten seconds you're spitting leaves out. Sometimes the potatoes were not all completely cooked, so you get little bits of bumpy potato. Plus after a while of eating vegetables, its not that great anymore. Its funny because the owners are not vegetarians. They just thought it would be cheaper. Now I get why they would always give me so much food, that I didn't want. Because they wanted to get rid of it.

           Now this job at JcP is nothing better. I still work like crazy. I just started last week. For the last week I did training which was for 5 hours for 2 days. I basically went through watching training videos and clocking in, and what not. Then I learned to fix up the merchandise on the floors. I had a group interview, which was the most bizarre interview I've ever had. We had to build this block jenga type structure. Each person had to instruct the other, and we took turns. Then we had to pitch an idea from a choice of ideas in a list. The two other people in the interview also were trained along with me. So we have been going through the whole process together. It was crazy since I depend on buses, and I had to take a taxi for the first training day since it was from 5-10 p.m. The second day my coworker helped me and dropped me off to my school. So I took the school bus from there. The metro bus stops coming after 9p.m. Also JcPenney stands for James Cash Penney. That is the founder of JcPenney, basically his name.

           

              Now I had a few more training on Monday and my first day was today on the job for my area. Monday I was an hour late.. I could not sleep all night. I was having a really strange stomach pain, which later I spent in the bathroom. I don't know if it was eating stale caramel popcorn, or the Tim Horton's S'mores drink. But it was brutal, I have never had such odd pains. I finally fell asleep at 6a.m and I woke up at 11:30 a.m my training was at 12p.m-4pm. I got ready and it takes me 20 min to walk from my house to the bus stop. So I got to the bus by 12 ish, and the next bus was at 12;30p.m. Basically I got there at 1p.m. Now, last night, I did go to sleep a bit late about 2 a.m. But I knocked out so fast afterwards. I set two alarms one for 7:00 and 7:30 a.m yet I slept through both alarms! This has NEVER happened to me. I always wake up with the alarms. I use my phone to set it. I woke up at 10:30 a.m and I was suppose to be at work by 10 a.m-4p.m. I got ready in 20-25 minutes. and I got the 11:45 a,m bus and got there by 12p.m There is a bus at 11 a.m. but by the time I was ready it was 10:55a.m. Like I said it takes me 15-20 minutes to walk there. Now I know the hiring manager was definitely annoyed. I was so disappointed in myself. I cannot believe this happened to me. I have woken up earlier for classes at 9 a.m. I feel so frustrated. I checked my alarm now, and I learned that the ring tone for the alarm was a really soft ring tone. No wonder I slept through it. The ring tone would help me fall asleep rather than waking me up. I usually have a loud musical ring tone, so its not as annoying but it is definitely loud. I just was so surprised since, I don't remember changing my alarm ring tone. I know I did turn it off, once my school was over. But other than that I didn't think it would change.

                                                 

         I have a Nokia phone, it's alright. I have been thinking of getting a new phone but I want to save and buy myself a car instead. I think this is now the most craziest time that I realize I desperately, desperately need to buy a car. I will spend my summer working my butt off, and hopefully before fall semester starts I have a car. I am praying. It is impossible to live in Buffalo without a car. I know the brutal winters I suffered walking to school. I remember one time I went to get my hair done at a salon, and it was in November. There was already snow, but I still went. I had to wait in snow in a stupid bus stop post, no seating, nothing. I was jogging in place to keep my body warm. And my hair was wet.. But anyway,  what is even more insane now, is that my next shift is on Thursday from 6a.m-12p.m. Yes, 6a.m not a typo. The worst part, there are no buses for that time. The earliest time is 6:00 a.m for the first bus, and it still will take 15 minutes for me to get there. I definitely don't want to be late at all. So, I now am going to walk from home all the way there. It is approximately 3 miles about 13 blocks and walking across my school campus. It will take me an hour to walk there. So, I will have to wake up at 3:30 a.m or 4 a.m and get ready by 4:30 a.m or 4 a.m. but to be on the safe side I will leave 4:30a.m and walk like crazy. It takes me about 20 minutes to walk a mile, so about an hour for 3 miles. Ugh..Well it will help me lose weight at least.

                                     

           What is even more intense is, Ramadan is occurring this month. It started in mid-June, and it has been the worst Ramadan for me. The first week of Ramadan, I was working at the Indian Restaurant so I quit because of that but also, the work load was insane. Now this job began at JcP and I did not fast for the training days. One day I was fasting, and I was cleaning out my closet, which gave me severe allergic reactions because it was so dusty. My right eye was pink from scratching it a lot. And I was sneezing like crazy. I usually have an allergy pill, basically like Benadryl. I really didn't know what else to do, so I broke my fast and took the pill. Otherwise, it would have been allergies all day. I couldn't wait since it was only 2 p.m. Fasting this year, is crazy and first time I'm have trouble fasting. I never miss any days, of 30 days I might miss 3 or 5 at most. But this time I missing a fast every other day. I just feel that my schedule at work are very long hours, and I have to walk a lot too. For my first day I unpacked a bunch of merchandise and stocked them in carts. Then I had to throw boxes in this machine to be crushed. It felt like an intense workout. There is a lot of labor becuase I work in the storage department. I usually will be setting up new merchandise into the store. I work with my coworker who was hired with me. It is nice since I don't have to deal with customers, but it is more work load instead. The hours are mostly in the morning. The timing of breaking the fast, is so late that it is messing up my metabolism. The time to break fast is at roughly 8:57 p.m. It goes down one minute every week. I try so hard to keep the fast and I end up breaking it. I am not even hungry, its just water that I really need to work without passing out. I tried fasting on Monday while at work and I broke it because I thought I would pass out. I needed water desperately. A lot of times that I broke my fast, all I did was drink water. At work I don't bring food, and I don't eat until I am home. So,it bothers me since I can keep a fast as long as I don't feel thirsty.


                                 

                   The time to eat is from 9 p.m to 4 a.m. For me it is tough because to eat at night, when I am about to sleep in a few hours, doesn't help. I end up being really energetic, and I can't sleep until around 2 a.m. Then the time to eat in order to recreate the next fast is before 4 a.m. I end up sleeping right through it only to wake up at 9 a.m or 10 a.m. Then the cycle just repeats. But now that I am working it is even more crazy. My work schedule is not all at the same time, but they are all in the morning. Next week I will work 5 days, all shifts are 7-8 hours long, and in the morning. So I have to plan around my work time. So for this week I only had 3 days Mon, Tue, Thurs at 6 a.m. I don't know if I will be able to fast because my shift is early in the morning to noon. I know I will not last till 9 p.m for breaking the fast. It is 18 hours of not eating. I feel sad, because I used to be able to fast while working, but maybe my weight gain has made it more difficult. I do remember my previous job  as a cashier when I lived in Texas I did also have difficulty than too. I remember I was once seeing black spots, because my manager was taking really long to give me my break, and I was suppose to break my fast a while ago. It was hard because customers kept coming in my lane. To see black spots is scarry.

                      I guess when working in intense labor jobs, it is almost impossible for me to fast. I also get a lot of stomach acidity, and I often feel like I will vomit. I was so excited to do this Ramadan well, but I guess I will have to make up the fasts at my own pace. The days I have off easily can fast, there's no problem at all. So everything this month is just bonkers! My first day on the job I was 2 hours late. Late for training. Missing my fasts, and weird stomach issues suddenly all about. My sleep has gone a-wall as well. I mean its 1:31 a.m as I type, I know I should sleep.. But tomorrow I do have off. I have been eating a lot less now that I have fasted, the few days I could. I had pop tarts for lunch, and pasta, with 3 slices of pizza for dinner. I never eat breakfast. Well I did eat some cereal at night as a snack, I guess that counts. Apart from fasting I am suppose to be more religious, and pray more. But there are some things I find strange about my religion.

                  I know I should not question too much, but I often think fasting is a bit odd to do. If God has given me food, why am I being told that fasting is to learn what it feels like to be poor and not have food? How is that helping those that don't have food. Wouldn't it be better if I donated food to those in need every day for a month instead? I feel more guilty when I find food rotting in my fridge because I can't eat it. When fasting a person eats a lot less, because they feel full really fast. So for me eating one dish, takes me about 2 or 3 days. Because I am fasting it might be 5 or 6 days. Its frustrating. I hate how I can't eat a lot. I end up drinking a ton of water. I drink 5 cups in just 2 hours. I still feel thirsty after. What is more worse, is the bathroom issue. Constipation, I never had much of an issue with. I know its weird, but I was proud, to have a healthy bowel system. But now its all jacked up. It is not fun. Again I know, while I was in school, I would carry a bottle of water, and constantly refill it, and I kept track of how much I was drinking. By the end of the day I would drink about 4-5 cups. But then when I really paid attention, it would be 6-8 cups. My filter jug holds up to 5 cups of water, and I refill it everyday. That is how I know I am a great water drinker. That is also why I never have trouble in the bathroom. If I do have trouble, I drink more water. So not being able to drink water, is ruining me. It bothers me too. I just hate how, its like punishing yourself. That is what bothers me the most. I feel to be blessed to have food, I must now suffer. Why is this even a concept in Islam.
           
            I have been fasting since I was 10 years. I always strive to keep every single one. I would pray more, and read the Quran. I don't mind this part at all. I generally want to become more closer to my religion and, I think praying is great for me. I find it peaceful, and I notice I appreciate my life more. So I am not against praying. But I don't like some things that are common in Islam. There is another holiday that is considered as the small Eid. After Ramadan ends it will be the big Eid. These are two main holidays that are celebrated, kinda like Christmas and Easter. So for the small Eid, it is also similar to Thanksgiving, where instead of a turkey being killed, a goat is killed. People go to butcher shops, and farms, and find the best goat. They kill it, and take the meat home. Then they make bunch of dishes, and invite family to feast. Everyone does this. They also give meat in packages to family members and friends. Yes, raw meat distributed. It is so weird. I for one, am totally not into this. When I was 7 yrs old, I saw goats get butchered. I kept envisioning the goats ghosts in the black bags, rumbling around in the trunk of the van, behind the seat I was sitting at. My father took us to a restaurant to eat Pakistani food, and I refused to eat any of it, and I was hungry. Anytime I saw an animal that was brought to our house (chicken, duck) and it "disappeared" or "ran away", I never ate the food my mom made. I just can't eat something after I have played with it, petted it, given it a name, and called it my pet and friend. It is just not happening. Oh, and I saw a cow get killed when I was 10 years old. This time I was a bit more mature so I was studying its organs, as it hung upside own. It was weird, but surprisingly I was not grossed out, even when blood was all over the floor. I guess I didn't have the chance to name it and pet it.

            Lately, other than the insanity I have been in for now, I have considered turning into a vegetarian. I will still eat egg and dairy. Ice cream has helped me stay sane. Eggs well, gotta have protein. Although the concept of eggs is a bit gross. I will never understand how "vegetarians" believe they are vegetarians when they eat baby chickens.  An egg is essentially a chickens baby. So for me it is partial vegetarian. I also don't really eat any other meat as much as chicken. I don't think of this as an ethical reason. I just hate how animals in the U.S specifically are butchered. The farm I went in was a nice farm, cow was not tortured at all. It was a simple death. They did not kill the pregnant sheep. They also all had plenty of room to roam. Fairly healthy and clean goats. That is why I prefer halal meat, because the killing method is simple with a knife to the neck. Not like American farms, where they boil chickens, but after they electrocute them, a machine to chop all their heads off. Beaks are closed shut. Half are already dead in the super small cages. The hormones that help them grow in a week. It is insane. I eat very little meat out now.

                So that is one thing I have been contemplating. I also have been drawing more, painting, and writing more articles for Thought Catalog. Now I think I should sleep. That is all for now. Good night.

               

For Those Who Have Been Kicked One Too Many Times in Life

Eram Qureshi

                         
             

           When so much happens to you, it’s hard to think straight sometimes. It’s hard to cope with stress; anger, pain, and agony of wishing things were different. It is tough to accept that these things happened to you. I have gotten through most of my life, but there are some things that forever change who you are, but also there is a constant reminder of that change. Not because you can’t forget the change, but because something that was there, is now gone. Something that was always a mystery is now answered. But that’s ok, life is all about change. As humans, we were designed to evolve and adapt.
          
                 



           I know how many times I have thought about an incident, and I relived the pain, and hurt from the experience, and think of all the people that caused it all. I feel so much turmoil, and want to get revenge, I feel so much hatred. It ends up consuming me, turning me into something I am not. The thing I hate the most, is how I cannot hate no matter how much in pain I am. I know that there will be no revenge, and that I will just have to move on, and be hopeful. I will have to force myself to forget, to think positive. I will have to push myself to do new things. Slowly, I do move on, I do forget. Those painful times become blurs of distant memories. But there is a pain that never goes away, knowing that the other person hurt you and felt no remorse or grief. They lived their life as it was. No mental breakdowns for them. They still have all they want and more. The feeling of being treated like nothing is the worst pain of all. A person who has worked all their life to be fair, and always does the right thing, gets treated like nothing. When you know you had so many chances to give that person a taste of their medicine, and decided to take the higher route, is even more irritating.

         

           You wonder why you are treated like dirt, if you are doing everything that you believe is right, and it is embedded in your blood. You feel good when you help others, you can’t help but sympathize. Even when someone hurts you, you try to imagine what it is like to be in their shoes. You want to understand, and learn why they did what they did. You even might start questioning yourself, if you were really being just or fair? You start thinking maybe you deserved what happened to you. It’s tough because, yes you have moved on, but these things that happened in your life, changes you. All you can do is keep pushing forward, hoping there is a reason, and hoping that something better is out there. There are times you will fall, and look back. There are times you will go against what you believe, and become rebellious, throwing your anger at everyone and everything. You start giving up, as doing the right thing means nothing anymore. But being patient is important; you will find that life, which made you believe in yourself soon again. Things will get better. You will get out of it all.

                 I try to believe that everyone has problems. Even though it may seem that I have problems, but it’s not like everyone knows about it. I know the people that hurt me have problems, they probably won’t tell me of course. I know they will get their karma. Sometimes it’s important to trust in justice, and believe that there is balance in this world. I want to believe that innocent people who have suffered will get their justice. Order will be retained. I also like to believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe someone is not in my life, because they were not good, they were not good for me. Sometimes I may not see clearly, when something happens in the total opposite direction of what I imagine. Sometimes the craziest paths have the best journeys, and the destination is worth the struggle.

                I have met many people who are much older than me; they share their experiences, their ups and downs. Today they are doing really well. They have children, a house, a great job, and they are still having kept their morals and values with them. They suffered, they struggled, but all that is almost unreal, when you see all the accomplishments they made, despite their troubles. That is what keeps me going. I know that there are people who have it worse than me. There are people who had it worse than me, and now are running businesses, are traveling the world. There are people that are happy and enjoy everything that they are and all the things that happen to them. The way I see it, the things I love about life are the struggles, the pain, and the tears. When I look back and see how far I have come, and problems that I had once are now so small and irrelevant. It proves I am stronger than I believe.