Summer, Niagara Falls...Weddings, Food

               So much has happened. July was a hectic month for me. I know my Ramadan did not go well, and I have yet to make up the fasts that I did not keep due to my new job. I managed to fast 2 times last week so now, I have 19 fasts to go. My online class ended, I got a C+ was hoping for a B+ or B. I did all that was required, but I think I may have not post enough comments. I beleive the minimum commenting/posting requirement was 25 and I had 20. I just wanted to pass it, it was a boring class, talking about video games. I do like video games and I definitely learned a lot, but it was hard to constantly find something interesting about it. It is a lot more technical than just playing a game, designing video games is so complex. So I guess I learned a lot, but the way the online class was, that was a bit strange. The whole blog posting thing was confusing, I only did what everyone else did. I was never sure if I was doing it right.

UB Flowers ... at South Campus!

                                       

                                                            Mother Duck and the kids.. :)

Cheesecake! :d

Now all I have left is that Spanish class to take. I am now worrying about my enrollment status. For some reason I don't have access to enroll for fall classes. I am not sure if I applied for the right term for my teaching certification, I applied for summer admission. I did get accepted, and now I see that my academic report shows that I am in the program, but I don't know why I cannot add classes? Now I can't stop thinking about it, and will have to call tomorrow and ask. I will go to campus too, and ask, get it done because next week classes start. I don't know how this happened. I know I was able to add summer classes, and that was all that showed, so I thought once summer classes end than I can add for fall. But now I don't know. I feel anxiety, I just hope its not too late, the classes fill up really fast, especially spanish classes, and there is only one class left that is open. Ughh... I hate this. I am also worrying about my teaching certification, I have no idea how that works, how do I add classes. I do know which classes I have to take. But I am so curious because it is not like a masters program, its just a certification. But once I complete it I can apply for masters. I am also just concerned on how the system works, can I take any class, or is there an order of which class I should take first? Is there a limit to how many classes I take? Some classes are online, am I allowed to take those? Then there are training classes at certain schools and are about 2 weeks long, it is a course but again what is that? I guess I will find out tomorrow... so far from today.


I also got a job offer-ish to work at a child care center/tutoring place. It is a daycare but it also tutors kids from I guess preschool, kindergarten, elementary level education. It will open when schools open. I just am waiting for an interview date. I really hope I get this job. I also had a job offer to work at my schools book store, but I could not really go because of my job at JcP, and it was only a temporary 3 week job. I also just am not so thrilled to say, but I have to say it... I got fired from JcP the other day. Yes, I know it is shocking even for me. I know I had some issues with lateness, it was not that. But was related to that. So, there were about 2 times that I forgot to clock in to work, and when I had to leave at the end of my shift I would clock out only to realise that I did not clock in. I came late those 2 times apparantley and so, I clocked in on my scheduled time and not the time I came. So they told me that I stole time??? Time theft??? I have been working there since end of June, almost 3 months and 2 times I did this? How am I suddenly stealing time. I mean there was a day that I worked 11 hour shift, scheduled for 9 hours. I even clocked out much later, than my time out. I did not get paid for 2 hours of work, and I did not even care. I even thought that it's okay since I am late sometimes. Meanwhile they told me I came 45 min late, and 25 minutes late. Ok? so why not take it out of my paycheck. They could give me a warning? since it was only 2 times. I have had came to work on time, and I did forget to clock in.. so they seem really hardcore about this. They accused me of changing the time, and I said no, I only submit what the computer said. I did not even know how to change the time, and now I looked at it and saw that it is possible.. so I did not like that. They even watched me on camera??? Very creepy. One day I left early, and I clocked out on that day, but only because I was not feeling good, so I left. It was not busy either and I did finish my work. Did not think it would be an issue. I feel a bit violated, they watch me..thankfully I hope I didn't do anything weird. I know I would fix my hair or clothes at times.
                                         

                                                 

South Campus ^^

North Campus ^^

I am kind of glad its over. I was not really sure if it was the job for me. Firstly too much labor instensive job, for me as a girl. Pushing carts, not my forte. The store has some issues with their air conditioning and so I am sweating so much there. Then waking up at 5 am to just stock stuff everyday, the same thing...was a waste of time. Fixing clothes?? why, when it will be messed up right after from some customer. Waking up that early was the most annoying part. I did enjoy the sunrises, but other than that.. no thanks. I was worried how it would fit into my school schedule. But now not a worry.

I think July was too much for me, maybe having a job was also not the right time. I wish I had gotten the job maybe either in June, or now in September. July I had to do the Ramadan, than the online class, my mom came to visit, and in August I went to Long Island too. I also had that restaurant job which I left for this job. I worked really hard at JcP. The first day I walked to get there. I mean on my training day I took a taxi home. I definitely did care. I guess I just got careless as I saw it was not as exciting as I thought it would be. Oh well... I am thinking of also applying for the writing center at my school and working there. It would be so much better. I really need a job related to what I am trying to do as a career. Any other job just seems so pointless now if it is not related to English or teaching. I know I started eating more and I bought a lot more clothes, and I gained weight.


                                                   

 

My mom came to visit me in the end of July, she stayed for a week. It was the most busiest week I have had, since I would work and come home, then take my mom out. I don't have a car, so I had to walk with her everywhere. I was so tired yet I still took her out. The first day I let her rest, since she came at night. The second day after I came from work, I took her to my South campus, we took some pictures, I showed her the restaurant that I worked at Dosa Place, and we bought some stuff at Tops grocery store, I showed her this other clothing store too. The third day, after work, we went to Niagara Falls, took the bus. We went around 5 p.m and got there at 6 ish. It was fun, we went on the boat at night. There were fireworks, and we took a lot of pictures. Then when we had to come back it rained a bit, and we still had our rainbags from boat. It was crazy since now it was 12 am and we were waiting for the bus for an hour. And 2 times the bus came and drove right past us. We were so pissed off, because we were yelling, waving our hands, and the bus driver did not even look. It was just a bus stand post, and across was some Indian restaurant and it had a table out so we were sitting there while waiting for the bus. And we would see the bus from a distance, so we would go and stand when we saw it coming, but then the bus was not the bus we needed.






This happened about 4 more times. It started becoming funny, almost like a comedy, like Charlie Chapplin. Just too funny. We had those bags, on, we were eating croissants we brought with us, and it was raining slightly. We were the only people outside while, right across was a hotel, and right down the street was another hotel. The road, was a loop type of road. But there was also another road and they both intersected, going towards another road, that either went left or right. The last bus came at 12:05, and we were waiting for it to come. Now, I was worried that maybe the bus won't come. A different bus came, and we asked about the bus we needed, the bus driver said that the bus had gotten into an accident. So we were even more worried that we would have to spend the night. I  went to check the price of a hotel, while my mom waited at the bus stop. I was again worried that what if the bus came while I am in the hotel, how would my mom get me? So there was a guy in front of me at the checkout desk, asking the price. As soon as I heard the lady tell him the price $200, I left. I went walking to my mom, and I told her it was $200.. as soon as I came back, a bus came by... but it was not where we were standing.. we ran to the bus, and it was that bus that we needed to get on. We were so confused because that bus did not come through the loop road. It came from the other street. Thankfully we got it, otherwise, that was the last bus. I still can't believe that happened. I feel like if I had stayed a tad bit longer in that hotel, we would have missed. Those kind of moments, definitely make me feel queezy inside. But again, if anything I knew we would stay, not much of a choice. But still $200, is not worth it. So then once we got to the bus station, we took a taxi home. Got home at 2 a.m.


                     

** Fireworks, and boat ride! **

                                      

The next day I had off, and I went and got my hair done. When I got back, my mom and I got into a bit of an argument. She was mad that I called her negative, and so we were angry for the day. The next day I had to work, but I did not go as I was worried that my mom would take off. Instead, we did go to the mall, and we shopped to get clothes for my neice, and nephew. We even went to JcP, and a coworker saw me, that I had to work, but I just said its Sunday, and acted surprised. Well, I never worked on a Sunday, so in a sense that is true. Then afterwards, we ate some food, there were ducks at this Supermarket, and we fed them bread. Then we went to my north campus, and there is a lake there, where we fed even more ducks bread. We bought cheesecake and celebrated my graduation. It was really nice. The next day I worked and we just relaxed, I can't remember if we did anything. My mom went to that clothing store, and I guess explored on her own. The next I worked, and I left early, from not feeling well, and I had to drop my mom off at the bus station to go to New York. So, I got home around 5. My mom went to run some errands, and then she and I ate food, and relaxed again. Then I took her to Greyhound, and that was that. The next day I also went and stayed in Long Island for a week.

                                                   
                               

Niagara Falls, Canada

At Long Island, I pretty much did nothing, except went to the wedding of my cousin's. It was okay. The first day was the Nikkah, or actual wedding ceremony. The place was at the Terrace in the Park, it was the top floor, and the view was amazing of New York City. They did the ceremony outside on he balcony. Then inside was more picture taking, and the bride and groom stuff. But some things happened, the groom and my cousin fell. There is this silly wedding prank that happens in Pakistani or South Asian weddings, where the sister of the bride tries to sneak off the grooms shoes when he is sitting. Now, what happened was, the sister of the groom took off his shoes, or someone did, while he was standing. Not only that he was drinking milk, which is another weird ceremony. But they took his shoes, while he was standing, so he slipped and, choked on milk, then fell. I did not see him fall, all I saw was the bride fell.  There was a crowd, and she got up laughing, so I though it was funny thing. People were laughing, then it got all serious...I thought the grandmother passed away.. but it turned out it was the groom, he hit his head when he fell on the floor, and maybe passed out. Since he got up with pain on his head. That was how the wedding ended. There was another issue, that might have caused the hard core slip, which was a dance that my other cousin's did, the guys .... danced to a song, and threw baking soda, all over the floor. And that pissed off the workers that cleaned it.. but people were slipping and sliding as they walked across the dance floor. It was definitely a weird wedding. Then the issue with the elevator, that we had to squeeze in to get to the top floor, and again to go back down, otherwise it took a century. Even though there were 5 other elevators, that was the only one, going to the top I guess?

                                               

The other day was a wedding brunch.. it was at a Marriot in Westchester, so it was a bit better. Early at 12 noon. Not so great, but the wedding was better, there was food, and just some dancing. Pictures taken, and the end. The rest of the days, I laid around doing nothing, went to eat chinese at one place with my sisters. Then there was a small BBQ we had at my aunt's house where we were staying. My mom left the night of the Nikkah.





         She had to go back for her job meeting. So it was just me and my siblings. We also had some smores after the BBQ. My manager messed up my schedule, she put me to work on the day I was coming back, and she had me to work the next day too. The day I was coming back, I went for the bus, and I had trouble finding the street for the buses. I was going the wrong way, and I just made it only to see the bus going, and I waved and yelled, but the bus driver just said nope, and left. So then I spent 5 hours at a McDonalds waiting for the next one. The next bus was at about 12 a.m and I missed the bus that was for 6:45 p.m. Thankfully, I made it for that one. I made it back to Buffalo by 9 a.m and got home by 11 a.m. My shift was from 6:30a.m-12p.m so I missed that too. I had off the next day. Then Friday I worked. So this was the first time that I did not enjoy going to Long Island. Staying at my aunts house was the worst idea. They are nice but they are boring. My cousins are married and so they don't do much. Well the older sister, she works and has a daughter. Her husband works too. So when they come home they are tired, which I get. The other sister, she is home and she visited from Florida, yet all she did was clean the whole time. She cleans, and yet the place is not even messy? I really think she might have OCD. My aunt, her mom, also cleans like crazy. I never understand why.. They also have a dog, he is so cute, chubby small. Don't know the name but the dogs name is Iris. My uncle, their dad, he works too, but then he also has other errands. They have a vegetable garden in their backyard. So I just laid all day, the days I had nothing to do. I bumped into my ex's best friend when I went to eat chinese. That was something different.. wonder how that played out with him and my ex?
 
         

The Nikkah Wedding Ceremony: Terrace On the Park

Me and Familia at the Wedding.. Sisters and Mom.

           

Cousins and aunts. 

Now I am just bored out of my mind, but happy to have time to myself. I am excited for school. My landlord finally fixed up the place a bit. He painted the house from the outside, a nice warm orange auburn brown color. He fixed the bathroom wall of the tub. He fixed more of the 2nd floor. So he painted all of upstairs, and he put new tiles in the 2nd floor kitchen and bathroom. He did only the bathroom for my floor. I wish he had done some more, but he said he needs more money, and when he will come back for the rent he will then fix the rest. Since the bathroom, still needs replacement of the window, and the mirrors.



                                         





 The kitchen floor needs to be fixed, and walls to be painted. The ceiling of the living room needs to be painted. I wanted to replace the lock in the door that is for the backyard, in my room. That way I can just go outside from the back.

                                 

                                                          Terrace On the Park ...


                         
          For now, I am enjoying myself. I was a bit sad on losing the job, but I really don't feel anything. I am I guess surprised, it is the first time I have been fired. I also feel a bit like a criminal.. but I did not even know I was being one? I think the camera watching really just freaked me out. JcP is gangster. I am done working at these crazy jobs, the jobs are not serious but the people make it like it is the most important thing on the planet. The job I want, to be a teacher is more important.. actually changes people's lives. But not fixing up a store for people to buy stuff they probably don't even need. Life goes on... I just am really hoping I get the Peace Corps finalized. I have a feeling I am going because I did get an invitation to go to another meeting and greeting at New York, and it said for "future Peace Corps Volunteers". I couldn't go due to work.. but also it was in NYC. So I am so excited, because I really only have this one awesome thing to look forward to. School is good too, I am happy to get that going again as well, but. The other thing I am working on is getting my license. I also want to buy a car hopefully by end of September or October. I will buy a cheap car that can last me a year or two. I know once I get the finalized answer on Peace Corps, than I can figure out what to do. If I get it, I will drive to Texas to live with my mom, and from there I will go to Peace Corps. But if I don't get in, I will just continue and finish my teaching certification, then get a teaching job, and try to move to New York. I was also thinking of trying to get my masters in Colombia University or other better colleges. Crossing my fingers.. lets see what happens.

                   

Job, School. . . . Caterpillars

                    I had a decent week at work, I managed to be late only once. I woke up early-ish. The problem was I didn't have money to pay for the bus, and I tried using my buss pass from the other day hoping I could get by using it. It did not work. Then I had to go to a Walgreens, wait for it to open, buy markers, and get $5 out. The bus fare is $2.00. It is so frusterating, because the Buffalo metro bus system sucks. There is no air conditioning, the buses come every 30 minutes to and hour. The last bus on a week day is at 9 p.m to 10 p.m and on a weekend 5 p.m to 8 p.m. People do go out on weekends I would assume? There are so many college students and international students here who rely on public transportation, yet the bus system, doesn't seem to get that. Then the issue with the bus stop posts, some don't have seating areas, just a post, like a stop sign. It is ridiculous. I remember mentioning my winter hair story, that made me wonder, why they don't have seating for every bus stop if it snows intensely. If Canada can put seating with closed in glass doors on every single bus stop, why can't Buffalo do that? Anyway, so I was an hour late to work, I made up an excuse that I woke up late, and the manager that I work under, was really angry and told me I would lose my job if I came late again. I really hate how I don't have a car. It is truly depressing, everytime I think of the time I would save, by driving. I mean I could get to work in 15 minutes, if I had a car. I could drive in snow, even though not really, but its better than walking in it. I would be able to go out and have a life. The only good thing is I am an active walker.

                                 

               Today my cat found a worm/caterpillar/unknown creature. She came running in my room meowing, and panicking. I thought she got hurt or was in pain. She seemed scared, and it is very rare I see her like that. I tried to look to see what is wrong with her, and she hid under my desk. But suddenly the way she was acting seemed familiar. I saw she was looking at something and looking at me. So it made me remember when she found the baby birds. That is the only time she acts like that. It is so hillarious and cute, but so weird. I was worried, and suddenly relieved, but also weirded out, because it was a worm or caterpillar or something. I mean I don't get why my cat does this. She just drops it in front of me, and not like here I got you something.. But more like, I found something! There is something wrong with it! Help it! What is it!! That is how her meows sound to me. I mean maybe in another life my cat was a nurse or doctor,, working in an ambulance. It was one weird creepy looking worm/caterpillar. It kept moving and swirling, it was maybe 2 inches long, and looked like a pinkie finger of a zombie. I managed to throw it outside with magazine paper. It was like looking at me, it turned around looked straight up at me? I think it might have been a baby snake?? It had one eye, either that or a bubble on its forehead. It was a really weird, creepy looking worm/caterpillar. I might add also ugly. My cat kept playing with it. I broomed it into a bush, and my cat was still playing with it. I had to throw that thing in the middle of the backyard. It was just the weirdest thing I have ever seen. It literally looked at me. It moved its head up, even though it is all one thing. It looked kinda angry. Gross, I feel irritated. It is so good my cat did not throw it on my bed. I know she did that with the baby bird. I just hope I don't get any diseases. But the way my cat acted was so funny. I have never seen her so worried. I think she was even amazed by what it was.

          Ok I just looked up the name of this creature, its a Abott Sphinx Caterpillar. Thank God, I was beginning to think it was some alien creature. The one eye, it was just so freaky. I put a picture above as well.

          I also am taking an onlin English course. It is a bit weird as well. The class is on Word Press, and I guess I am suppose to write comments on what is assigned to read. It is called New Media, but its basically about video games and history of it, whether it is art, and what not. It is strange, because I am not sure if I am doing the blogging right, a lot of the students are writing so much for a comment, but the syllabus says 100 words or more. He said to write at least a paragraph. I am doing that. But I feel that maybe I will write a bit more, to be more involved. There has to be 3 comments a week. It is a 6 week course. I also am worried about my trip to Long Island actually happening. I told my manager about it, I don't know if she approved it. It sucks because if I wanted to give my shift to anyone I can't because there are only like 5 people that work in this department, and they all work the same time as me. I really hope I get the 6 days off, I already bought the bus ticket, my mom, sisters, brother are going. I am definitely going. I mean if thet say no, I will still go. I want to see my mom. I don't care I can find another job. The mall is hiring all over the place. I can easily apply for another job. I just hate leaving it for something so menial. I am just worried, I don't want to seem like I don't care about the job.

          I do know that they make me work my ace off. I mean on Friday I had a shift from 6:30 a.m to 3:30 p.m. I get a 15 minute break, and a 1 hour unpaid break. But that day was hell, because right after I went to get groceries. The university bus comes to the mall, and takes students to main shopping areas, like Wal-mart, Target, other grocery stores, and the mall. I needed to get rice and meat. But anyway, I got home by 6 p.m. My feet were killing me, and near my ankles the skin was blue. I don't know why. I know my feet are being brutalized, just from walking and standing for so long. I basically take things from storage rooms and put them out on shelves. But I also take those things out from the boxes that come in the trucks, and put them all on racks in the storage rooms, to then be taken out and put on shelves in the store. The cutting of boxes, and taking things out is the hardest because, I am not strong enough to carry heavy things. I really feel that this job is not for women. I have trouble reaching for the high shelves, I can't push the racks sometimes. I mean its a lot of physical labor. I hate it. I only think I will lose a ton of weight. I mean, it is intense. Then there is also price changing, and I use this ipod gadget that checks prices, and where the fixtures for items go. It is interesting though, I never realized how much work goes into retail. I mean I went to Wal-mart, I can only imagine all the stuff they have to put out.

I also have been thinking of moving out. My room mates did not listen to anything I said. Their friends still come over every day, and sleep over. Like today that happened. I had to move the disgusting rotting dishes from the counter to under a table, which it is still sitting there, with bottles filled with pee added as well. Those dishes have been dirty for over 3 weeks now. It is truly disgusting. I have looked at some places which look so much better its insane, why I am torturing myself to live here. I mean some houses I saw were really nice. With clean bathrooms, and great living room and kitchen. The only concern is my cat. She has such a good time playing outside. The good thing about the place I just saw, is that is closer to where I used to live, and much closer to both my school bus stop but also the metro bus stop. It is only 5 minutes walk. I live about 2 blocks from the campus right now, but I also have to cross through the entire campus. So I live on the backside of the campus basically. The house is really close to grocery store, restaurants, and so much more. There might be a room with a balcony. I don't know if it has a backyard. I just don't want to move because of my room mates bothering me.

             I know my mom is coming in July, and I know the landlord is suppose to renovate the bathroom and kitchen. I am just so worried, because if she sees my room mates, she might freak out. If she sees my bathroom, or at least the tub, oh my, it is gross. I will have to replace the shower curtain that is used to cover the mold on the wall. There is a glass door, but one of the door is disgusting and also covered with shower curtain. Basically the walls are disgusting. The ceiling and walls have chipping paint, and some weird gray stains. The mirror is a bunch of small mirrors as one giant mirror. The window, is the weirdest. It looks like a 70s' retro style bathroom, pink tiles half on the wall, then odd multi color with pink tiny tiles on the floor, and pink tub. The bathroom is decent size, just old and moldy. The kitchen is small, but okay, just missing a 3 cabinet doors, and there is this ugly stain dirt thing, from where the fridge used to be. Also the dishes, and what not. So I know I will be dying after I clean and attempt to beautify the place. I also will try to beg my room mates to not be loud, not do drugs, or drink, or bring friends home. I wish I could beg them to stay upstairs for that week. It is tough living with men. The place I looked at is for girls, I only saw it online so far. I might check it out tomorrow or this week. The thing that I love about my place is it has a big closet, I changed the shelf I had for another desk and a dressing table. No mirror though, but I bought my own the long mirrors. The desks were just in a room of my other room mates. It was locked up until now that these new guys moved in. It also has a mini fridge, that I might try to get. But lets see. The new place, from the pics the rooms look decent. The price would be a bit more, but it is clean, and I am just thinking about walking less would help. I guess I could sacrfice a backyard, and big closet for a nicer bathroom and kitchen and living room, and clean female room mates..... Tough decisions.

4th of July, Flu, Baby Bird, Room mates, Life..

           I have been coughing now, and had the sniffles for 4 days now. I was 20 minutes late to work on Thursday for my 6 a.m shift. I half walked and half ran. I started walking from 5 a.m. I was at the mall by 6 a.m but I had to walk all the way around the entire mall because it was closed and that took me a few minutes. I know one of the managers told me to not come late and now I finally changed my availability, but it still hasn't processed yet. I told the manager the same thing, and that I take the bus. I feel kinda stupid because I would have gotten there the same time if I had just taken the bus. I was only on time for the 2 training days. Ugh, it sucks because I am not purposely trying to be late. But now for the next 2 weeks I still have a few 6 a.m shifts and it sucks. But now I know I will have to wake up a bit earlier and leave earlier. I actually don't mind walking, it was quite peaceful and I got to see the sunrise. I really like it a lot. But after work I did go to TGIF and ate burgers and had a berry iced tea. It was really good. But I think I may have inhaled some germs or bacteria. Because after that I came home and knocked out... K.O! I woke up at night feeling really sick and stuffy. It's been like that since then. Today I am not feeling so stuffy but my throat has some mucus and I am coughing a bit too. It hurts like hell to cough. That kind of cough, and its so random. I know yesterday of 4th of July, and I still went out despite my face being all fuzzy, and for some odd reason my lips felt numb. I was fasting and I broke it since I had to take some Halls cough drops to stop coughing like an old man.

                     

            Independence Day was great, I got to see fireworks at my school, hung out with some friends. I am not fasting today either, although all I've eaten is ice cream and strawberries. It is soothing my throat. Plus I do need to take some cough syrup once I eat some food. I finally yelled at my room mates, after many attempts of asking him nicely to clean up after himself, and stop bringing his stupid friends over. Last night at 3 a.m there was smoke all in the kitchen and living room. Someone left sausages on the stove to burn. My room mate was sleeping he went and closed it. I went to check after and found my other room mates friend cooking the burnt sausages. He lied to my face saying it was Trey but I knew he was already sleeping. I finally told them today how I felt. The main guy that gets on my nerves is Tim, at first we were cool. I actually liked him, and thought he was great. I mean he cleaned and cooked. But now he is shit. He smokes weed all day long. He does it in the bathroom and the living room. His freaking girlfriend is always here. They cook and clog the kitchen sink. Then he throws all his dishes in the sink, with plates still having food on them.

                                                       

  

I get sick and tired of cleaning up after his shit. My stuff has gone missing many times, and that is what pisses me off the most. I bought ranch dressing twice, and I put my name. Both times they just "disappeared" I had sriracha sauce, that disappeared, I had chocolate syrup, that disappeared, my black pepper disappeared, reappeared, than disappeared again and now appeared again. I have it in my room now. I lost my 2 spoons. I always find my cups gone and suddenly washed in the dish rack, I never used them.  I feel so sick of keeping track of small little things. It feels so pathetic but at the same time it is my stuff. I did not sign up to take care of grown men. And I should mention they are all black. I know but I didn't ask for this.
                                           
                             
Before when I moved here, there were 2 guys, dental students, with kids, one was white, the other Hispanic. They would go back to their home towns every weekend, they were barely home, and they were clean. Even if they made a mess, they were barely home to begin with. They never took my things. It was nice. Now they graduated and moved out. The other room mate who is still here. He got his friends to come and live here now. I wanted them to move upstairs since there are 3 empty bedrooms and soon the one guy that is there will leave. They laugh like hyenas.  I make sure to clean up after myself. I buy toilet paper, dish soap, and hand soap for everyone to use. What is more insane is one of Tim's friend is always here, I see him more than I see my room mates. A few days ago, he came in my room in the middle of the night while I was sleeping, and he begged to borrow my charger. I was so angry but I gave him my charger so he would leave. The fact he is sleeping over at night and the fact he came in my room, waking me up, that was the last straw. Now yesterday the massive smoke all in the house, I exploded like a small volcano. I have to control my anger, because I don't know what else to do. I hate being mean, but unless I am a b people seem to not take me seriously. It's sad really. I am tired of being nice. I am tired of always doing the right thing. I don't need unnecessary stress and crap from other people. I am dreaming of the day I will have my own place.


                                                                 

                                           

The only reason I am still at this place, is because it is super cheap. My room is huge, and I have a door to the backyard in my room. It helps me since my cat can go outside and play. The backyard is nice and small so she stays there and smells grass and tries to eat it at times. I like letting her go out because most of the winter she stays inside. I hate people, and I hate having room mates. Many times my friends have asked me to be their room mates and I never take the offer because I know it would ruin the friendship. It is tough to live with people and the only people I will tolerate it with is my family.

                                         

But anyway, I needed to vent somewhere. I know the other day I came upon the chance to nest a baby bird or 3 baby birds. I am not sure if it was the same bird or not. There is a nest in a vent that goes into the bathroom. My cat brought the baby birds in my room, and would drop it on my bed. It is so hilarious watching her trying to find a spot to put the bird, while I am trying to move her away from my bed, but also getting her to drop the bird. This is the second time this has happened. The first time the baby bird was already dead. This time the bird was alive. I kept it in a box, and got my room mate  help put it back in the nest. Then the 2nd time it happened again, and my room mate that lives upstairs helped put it back. Now the 3rd time it happened again, and my cat brought it back each time, and I put it in a box and was just keeping it warm until I could figure out how to help it better. I looked up online and supposedly its okay to feed dry cat food mixed with water to baby birds temporarily. I did that and fed the baby bird a dot of it. But it was dying while I tried. I was so sad since, it was alive and chirping and waddling. I just don't know why it died. I guess it was weak it also did have a small wound under its wing, but it was moving around fine, so I didn't think it would die from it. I feel because it was a baby and weak it just couldn't last. I am still unsure if there were 3 actual baby birds or the same one just kept falling out. Mystery I will never know. I just know I love taking care of animals, and it was truly so adorable helping the bird. The hard part was keeping my cat from pouncing in the box. I was really irritated by my cat because she was just being so annoying. I feel a bit guilty since I was shoving my cat away from the box. She does act a little crazy sometimes. But anyway, she did help by bringing it in the room. I love my cat so much. Although she is a little weirdo. I also learned that she poops outside now. These passed few days I have not cleaned her litter box at all. I got worried since she isn't even using it. But now I caught her pooping in the bushes while I was helping the baby bird. But I am glad she is pooping out now since less cleaning for me. :)

                                             

Every morning she wakes up to go outside and play. At night when she sleeps I take off her collar so it doesn't bother her. But in the morning I put it on for her to play. Usually I try to let her out during noon time. But sometimes she wakes me up at 10 a.m or 11 a.m. Today was the earliest around 8 a.m-ish. I didn't get why she wanted to go out so early. But I think maybe because yesterday I was out in afternoon till night time with my friends, and she didn't get to go out, so I know she was extra eager. My cat paces around the room, she looks out the window, meows at me, until I open the door. I was sleeping since I got home around 12 due to the late bus, and I slept at 3 am due to the smoke of burning sausages. Plus I was hungry so I ate once I got home.

I am truly loving this summer weather though. Buffalo has never been so amazingly beautiful. The winter is brutal but this summer is heavenly. There are so many flowers everywhere. I even found a pink rose bush in my backyard, along with this other strange flower/plant. It has very large leaves at the bottom. The flowers are white and clustered with a very long and tall stem. I have never seen anything like it. It kind of looks like baby's breath flowers, but more weirder.

                                         

I have learned a lot about myself as I am getting older. I notice how the little things in life really make me happy. I get happy eating ice cream. I get happy when I can buy a lot of groceries and still save money, because the grocery store sells cheap stuff (Aldis). I can buy whatever I want without feeling like I am splurging. Even though I am not rich, I have noticed how little money I need to be happy. I never understand how people need $60,000 or want more money. Why? I live alright for a single person and a cat. I find it strange how people have huge houses but they don't have room to help an innocent animal like a dog or cat with a home. How much space can a cat take up? What I find most annoying are materialistic people. People that live to talk about all the things they have. I am the total opposite. I don't mind buying quality things, but its just stuff to me. I know in my family it is a huge thing, and there is this constant competition on who has more "stuff". They often flaunt to each other. My cousin actually attempted that with me while I visited during spring break. I found it so weird. She bragged about her new car, than bragged about her job, bragged about the pointless things she had. She is nice and friendly but, maybe she is used to being with people that are materialistic. What is funny is she lives with her parents, she is married with a daughter. So I find that a bit pathetic. She should be helping her parents out? No? She has a lot of stuff but not even a house to put it in. Seems a bit lame as well.

                   

I say this because I often feel too different from my relatives. They all strive to be rich and have big cars and big houses. But I don't. I want a house, I am not sure what size, just enough for me, my mom, and my siblings. Big enough that they can have their own rooms. Maybe 2 bathrooms would be nice too. It would be 4 people. Or at least 1 full bathroom and a half. Then 3 bedrooms at least is okay. My mom and sister could easily share. It is tough to find 4 bedrooms sometimes. I want a house that has a basement, because I would turn that basement into more rooms, or a second apt and rent it out. This is one materialistic dream I have. I have legit more emotional reason for it. All my life I have moved a lot. It was one period where I stayed in the same house in Long Island for about 9 years roughly. But in between I did move. I moved when I was 10 years old to Dallas, TX. Lived there for 6 months in attempt to sell the house. We wounded up moving back. When I was 12 years old I moved to Pakistan, lived there for 6 months, while my father stayed in Long Island. Wounded up coming back since my brother was having stomach problems. He somehow ingested horse feces, and had gotten a stomach virus. That does make sense since, there are food carts in Pakistan on the streets, which are usually in the middle of dust, cars driving by, random goats and horses also standing around. Then when I was 15 years old we finally moved out of that house in Long Island. I lived in Queens for 3 months, only to move back to Long Island, different house, the town was right next to my hometown. It was literally the same place. I was sent to private all girls school, because I had a boyfriend, my parents found out about. At the last year I switched to public school, because the private school was ruining my life, and made me miserable. I got in trouble for no reason. I was a straight A to B student before. But that school didn't have many classes to offer since it was so small. The teachers were racist. I never cried so much in a school before. It sucked. But I did make a good friend that I still keep in touch with.

                                               

 

First house in Long Island... 1996

years later driving by.... 2011

My life is a very long story. I graduated from high school, accepted to NYIT to pursue architecture, which was my passion. But suddenly I was forced to move to Houston, TX. I went to HCC (Houston Community College), and got my Associates in Arts. I got my first job there, second and third job as well. I worked for almost 2 years in my 3rd job which is Fiesta. I made some of the coolest and amazing friends in school and at work, whom I miss a lot. I also miss all the restaurants and Mexican food. I found my lovely cat Julie who gave birth to my cat Doobie, whom I have now. I wanted to get away from my family, so I came to Buffalo after being accepted to UB. I again went out with my ex from high school, he went into the army. Things got complicated, my parents found out from a friend I confided in, who lived in Houston. A few months later it ended with us, he was a douche bag too, and ignored me. I was doing most of the work basically. I cared too much. But now I went back to Houston, and was getting ready to go back to school there, I didn't like the architecture program at UB. I was going to do biology (what my parents wanted) in Uni of Houston. I started working in Fiesta again in the summer to pay off the expenses from UB. Which was another reason I left, it was expensive to dorm with annoying dorm mate, in a tiny space. Just insane, and on top I was charged the health insurance from the school, which I worked all summer to pay off, about $2,000. I know sucked, because I never even went to the doctor. What was more irritating was my ex was permanently stationed in Fort Hood, TX. yet he broke up with me. It made no sense. But now it does. As I ended up moving back to Buffalo. This time my whole family came along. My sister who is married she also moved to Pennsylvania. We were happy because we all love New York. But it was not so great.

                                                           

 My father put us in a 2nd floor of a house that was his friends. The friend just passed away, and so we moved in, but didn't really like the place. At first things were okay, the family was nice. They even helped me out with my luggage when I went back to Houston and held my suitcase for me. I thought I would never see that suitcase, and that would have been horrible since it had my clothes, perfumes, jewelry, and everything else I loved. But somehow I got it back. Things got bad once the rent was being given late, by my father. I did not work, my mom did not either, we were just starting to settle back. I was taking classes and getting back into school. I had to skip a semester since we were in the middle of the move. I struggled in biology for a year and a half. In the mean time my father moved to New Jersey, and basically ditched us. We were crammed in a small 2nd floor house, with so many boxes and things. We moved from a 3 bedroom 2 and a half bathroom, with a garage, backyard, into a 1 bathroom and 3 bedroom place, on the 2nd floor. It was a bit tough to adjust. Most of the stuff was of my father's work equipment. On top of that my sister left Pennsylvania to move to Texas, and stayed with us for a few weeks. When they left they also left one of their cat. They have 3 cats. While they were staying one of the cat had babies. So there were 6 cats, including mine.

                                       

Next, we all find out my father is having an affair with some woman. He met her on Facebook, and she is much younger than him. My mom basically lost it. During winter break we went to New York, along with my sister and her husband to talk sense to my father. That did not work. My father came back with us, only for more drama to occur. My mom was passing out here and there, I wake up to screaming and yelling. It was a nightmare. I am not usually comfortable talking about this, and I never share this part of my life with anyone, just cause its is too much for me to handle. But I feel like I need to let myself free from it all. I shouldn't be ashamed of my life. I did not know these things would happen to me. Sometimes it feels unreal. I feel like I am watching a movie. I imagine the worst of the worst, but yet still somehow life is always throwing things I could never imagine. I had many problems but I always thought my family would always be together through it all. So now, my mom was going in so much trauma, and my father ditched us again, with rent collecting up. The family friends were now enemies. They had their own issues in general.

Next thing, my mother found out she has breast cancer. My mom is a healthy person, but maybe living in Texas and eating all that chicken got to her. I know I gained weight in Texas too. So now, my mom had her surgery, and we were hoping maybe my father would be there now. But again he did not care at all. He actually told my mom that she deserved it and God is punishing her. That is sickening because all my mother ever did was take care of her children and husband. My mother is very hardworking. I love her so much. It hurts me to know this happened to her. Out of all the people I don't think my mom deserved this ever. She was like the trophy wife for my father. She cooked, cleaned, she would do his laundry, iron his clothes. She wouldn't let him wash dishes. She let him insult her cooking. He complained about stupid things all the time. My father is the lowest of the low in my book. I hated him because he is the most unorganized and dysfunctional person I have ever met. He wouldn't let my mom work, she even tried to go to do a dental assistant program. He stopped her from working losing so many jobs. As a child I would observe his way of living, and what sucked was I was stuck in this life. He had a passion for photography, yet he spent a lot of time at home, wasting time on his computer. My father many times did do work, he would do photography and videography. He did do well at times. But the money he made he would spend it all on more stuff for his work, instead of paying bills and rent. He has no order in his life. Often he would sleep late and watch Bollywood movies all night. Every other month, my father went from being religious, to modern. One minute he had a beard, the next its gone. He would even decide to stop doing photography, and try another job, only to quit, and go back to photography. He fought with my mother, and most of the time, my siblings and I had to break the fight.

                                                   

I had a brutal childhood. I remember when I was 4 years I saw my father break a brand new coffee table in half. He once came home from work, and he showed my mom these decoration framed pictures of flowers in vases that he bought in a set of 3, and my mom simply said that they should save money. He broke 1 of the glass frames right there, in the bedroom, smashing it. I was 4 years old, and I woke up seeing this. I still remember it picture perfect. It sucks, cause that is not what I want to remember. I got beat for a bit once I became older. Same as my siblings did too. We all had a fare share of beatings. It hurt me for a long time. I would cry and picture it all, but now I forgive my parents for that, because I know a lot of kids get that. Or had that growing up. It bothers me sometimes. I am not sure what to feel about life. I was blessed but not blessed. I got to live in a house but was never really mine. A lot of fighting and drama in that house. Good memories too though, only of those when I would play and be a kid. My father did love us at one point.

                                                       

But I have gotten through it all in the end. My mom went through chemotherapy. I started working at this restaurant, it was not enough to pay rent or really anything. It did help me with pocket money, and I guess paying for my cell phone bill. Or sometimes buying textbooks. There was a point where my father did not even have money to pay for the rent since he lived in NJ and paid rent there too. My mother had to sell some of her jewelry to pay rent. I remember my father told us to stand in the street and sell our bodies for $50.00. I was listening to him yell at my mom on the phone, and once I heard that I lost it. He always played innocent as though he has done nothing wrong. That was the last straw. Now the end of the year was coming, and the landlord lady's daughter was kicking us out. My father somehow came and helped move the furniture and everything in a truck to take to NJ. Although it was not peacefull. I mean he went psycho, and I had to call the police on him. I thought he would hit my mom. I wasn't going to tolerate that since she was going through chemotherapy. He was running upstairs to come after me. As I am not scared of him, and I was letting all my anger out, about all the insanity he has done.

                                                         

                       

So now my mom, little sister, 2 cats, and I moved to a room a few blocks away. My brother lived with my dad in NJ. My mom was finishing up her appointments. I know it wasn't easy since my mom constantly talked about my father and it was depressing for me, so it was tough. But finally my mom and little sister got throught it all, and moved to NJ to live with my father. They stayed there for a few months. Then they, my mom, brother, and little sister moved to Lubbock, TX, where they now live with my older sister and her husband. They are doing well. The cat went back too with them. So now I just have my one cat Doobie.

It is so much better now, I still can't believe that I went through so much. I look back and a lot of it has been drained out of my thoughts, not wanting to remember. What my father did, I never showed emotion, but now as I look back I am finally feeling the pain. For the first time in my life I have control of my life. I have my rules, and my decisions. It feels amazing. My mother works now at a school as a lunch lady. My brother also has a job working in McDonalds. My older sister is working as well. Her husband is doing his PhD in argiculture. My little sister is staying in one school for more than a year. But still a long way to go.
                                                 
                                                     

Life has thrown rocks at me rather then lemons. I managed to build a pathway, a road, and slowly I am getting closer to my dreams. I am not an architect or a doctor. I am now a writer. I learn that things happen for a reason. I somehow am doing what I was meant to do. My father is now back in Texas as well, except he lives in Houston now, with that woman. I have not had contact with him in since January. The last time I saw him was last year in June. I walked my graduation ceremony, no call, no text, nothing. I was alone on my graduation ceremony. I didn't even want to go because I knew how it would end. Me walking home alone, no one to take pictures with, and it hurt to see so many people taking pictures with their parents, and relatives, hugs, and flowers everywhere. I had to ask a random person to take a pic of me. I treated myself to a green tea frappucino. But my mom will visit me at the end of July now. She couldn't come because of her job. One of my cousin is getting married and we all will be able to reunite. I talk to my mother all the time on the phone.

I am so lucky, I managed to finally get a job that pays on a weekly basis, with a schedule. I am praying I am not late anymore. I will sleep at the mall if I have to. This is the first real legit job I have that can help me work my way up, even though it is not related to English, at the moment it is great. I still have some school so I am hoping once thats done I can try to get a teaching job.

I know I may have written some of this before in my previous posts, but I always avoided talking about my father. I also rarely talk about my love life. During the time of finding out about my father, my ex became a friend, and I confided in him a lot. I know his parents got divorced so I was able to relate a bit to him. Although my parents are not divorced. But later on my ex and I had issues, he was insecure and jealous, and I guess lonely. He hid things from me, took advantage of my kindness. I started giving him a taste of his medicine and he didn't like it, so now he is out of my life for good. I do think of him sometimes, but I don't need anymore people or people that bring drama in my life anymore. I hope I can find someone better, who will make me happy, and give me importance in their life, not just to boost their ego, or to help them kill time. My ex was not Muslim he was Catholic, and he was Ecuadorian which was also an issue. I have old fashion morals about sex, and relationships. I believe in being with someone and sex being the last thing on my mind. I know today people do it all the time. But I could never do it with a random stranger. I would hate myself. I have diginity and respect for myself. Sex is an intimate and beautiful pleasure, that should be done with a person you love. That is what I believe. If I started treating people like pieces of meat, I might as well be hit by a bus. I lose value in my self too. I rather be with someone who will want me and love me without even touching me. Love me for my personality, my intellect, my weird sense of humor.

                                   

Ever since then I have been single. it has been too too long. I feel lonely so many nights and days, but I know when the time is right it will happen. I also don't like to force things. I think love should happen naturally, like everything else in life.

But anyway, right now I am focusing on myself. I want to help people that need help. I want to teach, I want to make a change in the world and give back. So many times I see the news wishing there was a way to help them knowing they are actually helped. I want feed children and physically donate food in person, donate medicine. I want to teach writing and reading to anyone.

                                                 

Summer and Jobs, Ramadan, Meat..

        Well, I finally have a job. I actually had 2 jobs but I quit one. I managed to work out my school tuition issues, and I received financial aid, and a scholarship!! I feel truly blessed. I was so worried about how I would pay off my tuition. I will be taking a summer class online by next week. I will have only one class left, which is a language class for Spanish. I wish it was offered in the summer, which it usually is offered in summer, but there wasn't any and now I have to wait and take it in the fall. I guess since its more of an intermediate level of Spanish, it might not be easily covered in summer sessions, which are usually shorter classes.

                           

            The two jobs I have, well had, were at this Indian restaurant called Dosa Place, and JcPenney. I first started at Dosa Place, and I worked for 2 weeks. I was doing a little bit of everything. I was the busser, the hostess, the waitress, and prep cook, and dishwasher. Yea, it was too much for me. I was getting paid $8 per hour and the tips the customers would leave, I would not get. The owners only took the orders, so I thought it made some sense. But now I told my coworker at JcP and he even said that is like a crime. Its true since customers believe they are tipping me, and I get pretty descent tips, but instead the owner takes them. For instance if one customer gets about $14-$15 worth of food, at most I have made $3-4. If about 5 to 8 tables come in one day, usually weekends, it is $20-$40 on tips, so I would be making, $11-12 an hour. Which is good since I was basically doing everything. The only good side to this job was I got free food, but it is only vegetarian and sometimes it wasn't so great. They put way too many spices and herbs, and they don't take the leaves of the herbs out. So every ten seconds you're spitting leaves out. Sometimes the potatoes were not all completely cooked, so you get little bits of bumpy potato. Plus after a while of eating vegetables, its not that great anymore. Its funny because the owners are not vegetarians. They just thought it would be cheaper. Now I get why they would always give me so much food, that I didn't want. Because they wanted to get rid of it.

           Now this job at JcP is nothing better. I still work like crazy. I just started last week. For the last week I did training which was for 5 hours for 2 days. I basically went through watching training videos and clocking in, and what not. Then I learned to fix up the merchandise on the floors. I had a group interview, which was the most bizarre interview I've ever had. We had to build this block jenga type structure. Each person had to instruct the other, and we took turns. Then we had to pitch an idea from a choice of ideas in a list. The two other people in the interview also were trained along with me. So we have been going through the whole process together. It was crazy since I depend on buses, and I had to take a taxi for the first training day since it was from 5-10 p.m. The second day my coworker helped me and dropped me off to my school. So I took the school bus from there. The metro bus stops coming after 9p.m. Also JcPenney stands for James Cash Penney. That is the founder of JcPenney, basically his name.

           

              Now I had a few more training on Monday and my first day was today on the job for my area. Monday I was an hour late.. I could not sleep all night. I was having a really strange stomach pain, which later I spent in the bathroom. I don't know if it was eating stale caramel popcorn, or the Tim Horton's S'mores drink. But it was brutal, I have never had such odd pains. I finally fell asleep at 6a.m and I woke up at 11:30 a.m my training was at 12p.m-4pm. I got ready and it takes me 20 min to walk from my house to the bus stop. So I got to the bus by 12 ish, and the next bus was at 12;30p.m. Basically I got there at 1p.m. Now, last night, I did go to sleep a bit late about 2 a.m. But I knocked out so fast afterwards. I set two alarms one for 7:00 and 7:30 a.m yet I slept through both alarms! This has NEVER happened to me. I always wake up with the alarms. I use my phone to set it. I woke up at 10:30 a.m and I was suppose to be at work by 10 a.m-4p.m. I got ready in 20-25 minutes. and I got the 11:45 a,m bus and got there by 12p.m There is a bus at 11 a.m. but by the time I was ready it was 10:55a.m. Like I said it takes me 15-20 minutes to walk there. Now I know the hiring manager was definitely annoyed. I was so disappointed in myself. I cannot believe this happened to me. I have woken up earlier for classes at 9 a.m. I feel so frustrated. I checked my alarm now, and I learned that the ring tone for the alarm was a really soft ring tone. No wonder I slept through it. The ring tone would help me fall asleep rather than waking me up. I usually have a loud musical ring tone, so its not as annoying but it is definitely loud. I just was so surprised since, I don't remember changing my alarm ring tone. I know I did turn it off, once my school was over. But other than that I didn't think it would change.

                                                 

         I have a Nokia phone, it's alright. I have been thinking of getting a new phone but I want to save and buy myself a car instead. I think this is now the most craziest time that I realize I desperately, desperately need to buy a car. I will spend my summer working my butt off, and hopefully before fall semester starts I have a car. I am praying. It is impossible to live in Buffalo without a car. I know the brutal winters I suffered walking to school. I remember one time I went to get my hair done at a salon, and it was in November. There was already snow, but I still went. I had to wait in snow in a stupid bus stop post, no seating, nothing. I was jogging in place to keep my body warm. And my hair was wet.. But anyway,  what is even more insane now, is that my next shift is on Thursday from 6a.m-12p.m. Yes, 6a.m not a typo. The worst part, there are no buses for that time. The earliest time is 6:00 a.m for the first bus, and it still will take 15 minutes for me to get there. I definitely don't want to be late at all. So, I now am going to walk from home all the way there. It is approximately 3 miles about 13 blocks and walking across my school campus. It will take me an hour to walk there. So, I will have to wake up at 3:30 a.m or 4 a.m and get ready by 4:30 a.m or 4 a.m. but to be on the safe side I will leave 4:30a.m and walk like crazy. It takes me about 20 minutes to walk a mile, so about an hour for 3 miles. Ugh..Well it will help me lose weight at least.

                                     

           What is even more intense is, Ramadan is occurring this month. It started in mid-June, and it has been the worst Ramadan for me. The first week of Ramadan, I was working at the Indian Restaurant so I quit because of that but also, the work load was insane. Now this job began at JcP and I did not fast for the training days. One day I was fasting, and I was cleaning out my closet, which gave me severe allergic reactions because it was so dusty. My right eye was pink from scratching it a lot. And I was sneezing like crazy. I usually have an allergy pill, basically like Benadryl. I really didn't know what else to do, so I broke my fast and took the pill. Otherwise, it would have been allergies all day. I couldn't wait since it was only 2 p.m. Fasting this year, is crazy and first time I'm have trouble fasting. I never miss any days, of 30 days I might miss 3 or 5 at most. But this time I missing a fast every other day. I just feel that my schedule at work are very long hours, and I have to walk a lot too. For my first day I unpacked a bunch of merchandise and stocked them in carts. Then I had to throw boxes in this machine to be crushed. It felt like an intense workout. There is a lot of labor becuase I work in the storage department. I usually will be setting up new merchandise into the store. I work with my coworker who was hired with me. It is nice since I don't have to deal with customers, but it is more work load instead. The hours are mostly in the morning. The timing of breaking the fast, is so late that it is messing up my metabolism. The time to break fast is at roughly 8:57 p.m. It goes down one minute every week. I try so hard to keep the fast and I end up breaking it. I am not even hungry, its just water that I really need to work without passing out. I tried fasting on Monday while at work and I broke it because I thought I would pass out. I needed water desperately. A lot of times that I broke my fast, all I did was drink water. At work I don't bring food, and I don't eat until I am home. So,it bothers me since I can keep a fast as long as I don't feel thirsty.


                                 

                   The time to eat is from 9 p.m to 4 a.m. For me it is tough because to eat at night, when I am about to sleep in a few hours, doesn't help. I end up being really energetic, and I can't sleep until around 2 a.m. Then the time to eat in order to recreate the next fast is before 4 a.m. I end up sleeping right through it only to wake up at 9 a.m or 10 a.m. Then the cycle just repeats. But now that I am working it is even more crazy. My work schedule is not all at the same time, but they are all in the morning. Next week I will work 5 days, all shifts are 7-8 hours long, and in the morning. So I have to plan around my work time. So for this week I only had 3 days Mon, Tue, Thurs at 6 a.m. I don't know if I will be able to fast because my shift is early in the morning to noon. I know I will not last till 9 p.m for breaking the fast. It is 18 hours of not eating. I feel sad, because I used to be able to fast while working, but maybe my weight gain has made it more difficult. I do remember my previous job  as a cashier when I lived in Texas I did also have difficulty than too. I remember I was once seeing black spots, because my manager was taking really long to give me my break, and I was suppose to break my fast a while ago. It was hard because customers kept coming in my lane. To see black spots is scarry.

                      I guess when working in intense labor jobs, it is almost impossible for me to fast. I also get a lot of stomach acidity, and I often feel like I will vomit. I was so excited to do this Ramadan well, but I guess I will have to make up the fasts at my own pace. The days I have off easily can fast, there's no problem at all. So everything this month is just bonkers! My first day on the job I was 2 hours late. Late for training. Missing my fasts, and weird stomach issues suddenly all about. My sleep has gone a-wall as well. I mean its 1:31 a.m as I type, I know I should sleep.. But tomorrow I do have off. I have been eating a lot less now that I have fasted, the few days I could. I had pop tarts for lunch, and pasta, with 3 slices of pizza for dinner. I never eat breakfast. Well I did eat some cereal at night as a snack, I guess that counts. Apart from fasting I am suppose to be more religious, and pray more. But there are some things I find strange about my religion.

                  I know I should not question too much, but I often think fasting is a bit odd to do. If God has given me food, why am I being told that fasting is to learn what it feels like to be poor and not have food? How is that helping those that don't have food. Wouldn't it be better if I donated food to those in need every day for a month instead? I feel more guilty when I find food rotting in my fridge because I can't eat it. When fasting a person eats a lot less, because they feel full really fast. So for me eating one dish, takes me about 2 or 3 days. Because I am fasting it might be 5 or 6 days. Its frustrating. I hate how I can't eat a lot. I end up drinking a ton of water. I drink 5 cups in just 2 hours. I still feel thirsty after. What is more worse, is the bathroom issue. Constipation, I never had much of an issue with. I know its weird, but I was proud, to have a healthy bowel system. But now its all jacked up. It is not fun. Again I know, while I was in school, I would carry a bottle of water, and constantly refill it, and I kept track of how much I was drinking. By the end of the day I would drink about 4-5 cups. But then when I really paid attention, it would be 6-8 cups. My filter jug holds up to 5 cups of water, and I refill it everyday. That is how I know I am a great water drinker. That is also why I never have trouble in the bathroom. If I do have trouble, I drink more water. So not being able to drink water, is ruining me. It bothers me too. I just hate how, its like punishing yourself. That is what bothers me the most. I feel to be blessed to have food, I must now suffer. Why is this even a concept in Islam.
           
            I have been fasting since I was 10 years. I always strive to keep every single one. I would pray more, and read the Quran. I don't mind this part at all. I generally want to become more closer to my religion and, I think praying is great for me. I find it peaceful, and I notice I appreciate my life more. So I am not against praying. But I don't like some things that are common in Islam. There is another holiday that is considered as the small Eid. After Ramadan ends it will be the big Eid. These are two main holidays that are celebrated, kinda like Christmas and Easter. So for the small Eid, it is also similar to Thanksgiving, where instead of a turkey being killed, a goat is killed. People go to butcher shops, and farms, and find the best goat. They kill it, and take the meat home. Then they make bunch of dishes, and invite family to feast. Everyone does this. They also give meat in packages to family members and friends. Yes, raw meat distributed. It is so weird. I for one, am totally not into this. When I was 7 yrs old, I saw goats get butchered. I kept envisioning the goats ghosts in the black bags, rumbling around in the trunk of the van, behind the seat I was sitting at. My father took us to a restaurant to eat Pakistani food, and I refused to eat any of it, and I was hungry. Anytime I saw an animal that was brought to our house (chicken, duck) and it "disappeared" or "ran away", I never ate the food my mom made. I just can't eat something after I have played with it, petted it, given it a name, and called it my pet and friend. It is just not happening. Oh, and I saw a cow get killed when I was 10 years old. This time I was a bit more mature so I was studying its organs, as it hung upside own. It was weird, but surprisingly I was not grossed out, even when blood was all over the floor. I guess I didn't have the chance to name it and pet it.

            Lately, other than the insanity I have been in for now, I have considered turning into a vegetarian. I will still eat egg and dairy. Ice cream has helped me stay sane. Eggs well, gotta have protein. Although the concept of eggs is a bit gross. I will never understand how "vegetarians" believe they are vegetarians when they eat baby chickens.  An egg is essentially a chickens baby. So for me it is partial vegetarian. I also don't really eat any other meat as much as chicken. I don't think of this as an ethical reason. I just hate how animals in the U.S specifically are butchered. The farm I went in was a nice farm, cow was not tortured at all. It was a simple death. They did not kill the pregnant sheep. They also all had plenty of room to roam. Fairly healthy and clean goats. That is why I prefer halal meat, because the killing method is simple with a knife to the neck. Not like American farms, where they boil chickens, but after they electrocute them, a machine to chop all their heads off. Beaks are closed shut. Half are already dead in the super small cages. The hormones that help them grow in a week. It is insane. I eat very little meat out now.

                So that is one thing I have been contemplating. I also have been drawing more, painting, and writing more articles for Thought Catalog. Now I think I should sleep. That is all for now. Good night.

               

For Those Who Have Been Kicked One Too Many Times in Life

Eram Qureshi

                         
             

           When so much happens to you, it’s hard to think straight sometimes. It’s hard to cope with stress; anger, pain, and agony of wishing things were different. It is tough to accept that these things happened to you. I have gotten through most of my life, but there are some things that forever change who you are, but also there is a constant reminder of that change. Not because you can’t forget the change, but because something that was there, is now gone. Something that was always a mystery is now answered. But that’s ok, life is all about change. As humans, we were designed to evolve and adapt.
          
                 



           I know how many times I have thought about an incident, and I relived the pain, and hurt from the experience, and think of all the people that caused it all. I feel so much turmoil, and want to get revenge, I feel so much hatred. It ends up consuming me, turning me into something I am not. The thing I hate the most, is how I cannot hate no matter how much in pain I am. I know that there will be no revenge, and that I will just have to move on, and be hopeful. I will have to force myself to forget, to think positive. I will have to push myself to do new things. Slowly, I do move on, I do forget. Those painful times become blurs of distant memories. But there is a pain that never goes away, knowing that the other person hurt you and felt no remorse or grief. They lived their life as it was. No mental breakdowns for them. They still have all they want and more. The feeling of being treated like nothing is the worst pain of all. A person who has worked all their life to be fair, and always does the right thing, gets treated like nothing. When you know you had so many chances to give that person a taste of their medicine, and decided to take the higher route, is even more irritating.

         

           You wonder why you are treated like dirt, if you are doing everything that you believe is right, and it is embedded in your blood. You feel good when you help others, you can’t help but sympathize. Even when someone hurts you, you try to imagine what it is like to be in their shoes. You want to understand, and learn why they did what they did. You even might start questioning yourself, if you were really being just or fair? You start thinking maybe you deserved what happened to you. It’s tough because, yes you have moved on, but these things that happened in your life, changes you. All you can do is keep pushing forward, hoping there is a reason, and hoping that something better is out there. There are times you will fall, and look back. There are times you will go against what you believe, and become rebellious, throwing your anger at everyone and everything. You start giving up, as doing the right thing means nothing anymore. But being patient is important; you will find that life, which made you believe in yourself soon again. Things will get better. You will get out of it all.

                 I try to believe that everyone has problems. Even though it may seem that I have problems, but it’s not like everyone knows about it. I know the people that hurt me have problems, they probably won’t tell me of course. I know they will get their karma. Sometimes it’s important to trust in justice, and believe that there is balance in this world. I want to believe that innocent people who have suffered will get their justice. Order will be retained. I also like to believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe someone is not in my life, because they were not good, they were not good for me. Sometimes I may not see clearly, when something happens in the total opposite direction of what I imagine. Sometimes the craziest paths have the best journeys, and the destination is worth the struggle.

                I have met many people who are much older than me; they share their experiences, their ups and downs. Today they are doing really well. They have children, a house, a great job, and they are still having kept their morals and values with them. They suffered, they struggled, but all that is almost unreal, when you see all the accomplishments they made, despite their troubles. That is what keeps me going. I know that there are people who have it worse than me. There are people who had it worse than me, and now are running businesses, are traveling the world. There are people that are happy and enjoy everything that they are and all the things that happen to them. The way I see it, the things I love about life are the struggles, the pain, and the tears. When I look back and see how far I have come, and problems that I had once are now so small and irrelevant. It proves I am stronger than I believe.