4th of July, Flu, Baby Bird, Room mates, Life..

           I have been coughing now, and had the sniffles for 4 days now. I was 20 minutes late to work on Thursday for my 6 a.m shift. I half walked and half ran. I started walking from 5 a.m. I was at the mall by 6 a.m but I had to walk all the way around the entire mall because it was closed and that took me a few minutes. I know one of the managers told me to not come late and now I finally changed my availability, but it still hasn't processed yet. I told the manager the same thing, and that I take the bus. I feel kinda stupid because I would have gotten there the same time if I had just taken the bus. I was only on time for the 2 training days. Ugh, it sucks because I am not purposely trying to be late. But now for the next 2 weeks I still have a few 6 a.m shifts and it sucks. But now I know I will have to wake up a bit earlier and leave earlier. I actually don't mind walking, it was quite peaceful and I got to see the sunrise. I really like it a lot. But after work I did go to TGIF and ate burgers and had a berry iced tea. It was really good. But I think I may have inhaled some germs or bacteria. Because after that I came home and knocked out... K.O! I woke up at night feeling really sick and stuffy. It's been like that since then. Today I am not feeling so stuffy but my throat has some mucus and I am coughing a bit too. It hurts like hell to cough. That kind of cough, and its so random. I know yesterday of 4th of July, and I still went out despite my face being all fuzzy, and for some odd reason my lips felt numb. I was fasting and I broke it since I had to take some Halls cough drops to stop coughing like an old man.

                     

            Independence Day was great, I got to see fireworks at my school, hung out with some friends. I am not fasting today either, although all I've eaten is ice cream and strawberries. It is soothing my throat. Plus I do need to take some cough syrup once I eat some food. I finally yelled at my room mates, after many attempts of asking him nicely to clean up after himself, and stop bringing his stupid friends over. Last night at 3 a.m there was smoke all in the kitchen and living room. Someone left sausages on the stove to burn. My room mate was sleeping he went and closed it. I went to check after and found my other room mates friend cooking the burnt sausages. He lied to my face saying it was Trey but I knew he was already sleeping. I finally told them today how I felt. The main guy that gets on my nerves is Tim, at first we were cool. I actually liked him, and thought he was great. I mean he cleaned and cooked. But now he is shit. He smokes weed all day long. He does it in the bathroom and the living room. His freaking girlfriend is always here. They cook and clog the kitchen sink. Then he throws all his dishes in the sink, with plates still having food on them.

                                                       

  

I get sick and tired of cleaning up after his shit. My stuff has gone missing many times, and that is what pisses me off the most. I bought ranch dressing twice, and I put my name. Both times they just "disappeared" I had sriracha sauce, that disappeared, I had chocolate syrup, that disappeared, my black pepper disappeared, reappeared, than disappeared again and now appeared again. I have it in my room now. I lost my 2 spoons. I always find my cups gone and suddenly washed in the dish rack, I never used them.  I feel so sick of keeping track of small little things. It feels so pathetic but at the same time it is my stuff. I did not sign up to take care of grown men. And I should mention they are all black. I know but I didn't ask for this.
                                           
                             
Before when I moved here, there were 2 guys, dental students, with kids, one was white, the other Hispanic. They would go back to their home towns every weekend, they were barely home, and they were clean. Even if they made a mess, they were barely home to begin with. They never took my things. It was nice. Now they graduated and moved out. The other room mate who is still here. He got his friends to come and live here now. I wanted them to move upstairs since there are 3 empty bedrooms and soon the one guy that is there will leave. They laugh like hyenas.  I make sure to clean up after myself. I buy toilet paper, dish soap, and hand soap for everyone to use. What is more insane is one of Tim's friend is always here, I see him more than I see my room mates. A few days ago, he came in my room in the middle of the night while I was sleeping, and he begged to borrow my charger. I was so angry but I gave him my charger so he would leave. The fact he is sleeping over at night and the fact he came in my room, waking me up, that was the last straw. Now yesterday the massive smoke all in the house, I exploded like a small volcano. I have to control my anger, because I don't know what else to do. I hate being mean, but unless I am a b people seem to not take me seriously. It's sad really. I am tired of being nice. I am tired of always doing the right thing. I don't need unnecessary stress and crap from other people. I am dreaming of the day I will have my own place.


                                                                 

                                           

The only reason I am still at this place, is because it is super cheap. My room is huge, and I have a door to the backyard in my room. It helps me since my cat can go outside and play. The backyard is nice and small so she stays there and smells grass and tries to eat it at times. I like letting her go out because most of the winter she stays inside. I hate people, and I hate having room mates. Many times my friends have asked me to be their room mates and I never take the offer because I know it would ruin the friendship. It is tough to live with people and the only people I will tolerate it with is my family.

                                         

But anyway, I needed to vent somewhere. I know the other day I came upon the chance to nest a baby bird or 3 baby birds. I am not sure if it was the same bird or not. There is a nest in a vent that goes into the bathroom. My cat brought the baby birds in my room, and would drop it on my bed. It is so hilarious watching her trying to find a spot to put the bird, while I am trying to move her away from my bed, but also getting her to drop the bird. This is the second time this has happened. The first time the baby bird was already dead. This time the bird was alive. I kept it in a box, and got my room mate  help put it back in the nest. Then the 2nd time it happened again, and my room mate that lives upstairs helped put it back. Now the 3rd time it happened again, and my cat brought it back each time, and I put it in a box and was just keeping it warm until I could figure out how to help it better. I looked up online and supposedly its okay to feed dry cat food mixed with water to baby birds temporarily. I did that and fed the baby bird a dot of it. But it was dying while I tried. I was so sad since, it was alive and chirping and waddling. I just don't know why it died. I guess it was weak it also did have a small wound under its wing, but it was moving around fine, so I didn't think it would die from it. I feel because it was a baby and weak it just couldn't last. I am still unsure if there were 3 actual baby birds or the same one just kept falling out. Mystery I will never know. I just know I love taking care of animals, and it was truly so adorable helping the bird. The hard part was keeping my cat from pouncing in the box. I was really irritated by my cat because she was just being so annoying. I feel a bit guilty since I was shoving my cat away from the box. She does act a little crazy sometimes. But anyway, she did help by bringing it in the room. I love my cat so much. Although she is a little weirdo. I also learned that she poops outside now. These passed few days I have not cleaned her litter box at all. I got worried since she isn't even using it. But now I caught her pooping in the bushes while I was helping the baby bird. But I am glad she is pooping out now since less cleaning for me. :)

                                             

Every morning she wakes up to go outside and play. At night when she sleeps I take off her collar so it doesn't bother her. But in the morning I put it on for her to play. Usually I try to let her out during noon time. But sometimes she wakes me up at 10 a.m or 11 a.m. Today was the earliest around 8 a.m-ish. I didn't get why she wanted to go out so early. But I think maybe because yesterday I was out in afternoon till night time with my friends, and she didn't get to go out, so I know she was extra eager. My cat paces around the room, she looks out the window, meows at me, until I open the door. I was sleeping since I got home around 12 due to the late bus, and I slept at 3 am due to the smoke of burning sausages. Plus I was hungry so I ate once I got home.

I am truly loving this summer weather though. Buffalo has never been so amazingly beautiful. The winter is brutal but this summer is heavenly. There are so many flowers everywhere. I even found a pink rose bush in my backyard, along with this other strange flower/plant. It has very large leaves at the bottom. The flowers are white and clustered with a very long and tall stem. I have never seen anything like it. It kind of looks like baby's breath flowers, but more weirder.

                                         

I have learned a lot about myself as I am getting older. I notice how the little things in life really make me happy. I get happy eating ice cream. I get happy when I can buy a lot of groceries and still save money, because the grocery store sells cheap stuff (Aldis). I can buy whatever I want without feeling like I am splurging. Even though I am not rich, I have noticed how little money I need to be happy. I never understand how people need $60,000 or want more money. Why? I live alright for a single person and a cat. I find it strange how people have huge houses but they don't have room to help an innocent animal like a dog or cat with a home. How much space can a cat take up? What I find most annoying are materialistic people. People that live to talk about all the things they have. I am the total opposite. I don't mind buying quality things, but its just stuff to me. I know in my family it is a huge thing, and there is this constant competition on who has more "stuff". They often flaunt to each other. My cousin actually attempted that with me while I visited during spring break. I found it so weird. She bragged about her new car, than bragged about her job, bragged about the pointless things she had. She is nice and friendly but, maybe she is used to being with people that are materialistic. What is funny is she lives with her parents, she is married with a daughter. So I find that a bit pathetic. She should be helping her parents out? No? She has a lot of stuff but not even a house to put it in. Seems a bit lame as well.

                   

I say this because I often feel too different from my relatives. They all strive to be rich and have big cars and big houses. But I don't. I want a house, I am not sure what size, just enough for me, my mom, and my siblings. Big enough that they can have their own rooms. Maybe 2 bathrooms would be nice too. It would be 4 people. Or at least 1 full bathroom and a half. Then 3 bedrooms at least is okay. My mom and sister could easily share. It is tough to find 4 bedrooms sometimes. I want a house that has a basement, because I would turn that basement into more rooms, or a second apt and rent it out. This is one materialistic dream I have. I have legit more emotional reason for it. All my life I have moved a lot. It was one period where I stayed in the same house in Long Island for about 9 years roughly. But in between I did move. I moved when I was 10 years old to Dallas, TX. Lived there for 6 months in attempt to sell the house. We wounded up moving back. When I was 12 years old I moved to Pakistan, lived there for 6 months, while my father stayed in Long Island. Wounded up coming back since my brother was having stomach problems. He somehow ingested horse feces, and had gotten a stomach virus. That does make sense since, there are food carts in Pakistan on the streets, which are usually in the middle of dust, cars driving by, random goats and horses also standing around. Then when I was 15 years old we finally moved out of that house in Long Island. I lived in Queens for 3 months, only to move back to Long Island, different house, the town was right next to my hometown. It was literally the same place. I was sent to private all girls school, because I had a boyfriend, my parents found out about. At the last year I switched to public school, because the private school was ruining my life, and made me miserable. I got in trouble for no reason. I was a straight A to B student before. But that school didn't have many classes to offer since it was so small. The teachers were racist. I never cried so much in a school before. It sucked. But I did make a good friend that I still keep in touch with.

                                               

 

First house in Long Island... 1996

years later driving by.... 2011

My life is a very long story. I graduated from high school, accepted to NYIT to pursue architecture, which was my passion. But suddenly I was forced to move to Houston, TX. I went to HCC (Houston Community College), and got my Associates in Arts. I got my first job there, second and third job as well. I worked for almost 2 years in my 3rd job which is Fiesta. I made some of the coolest and amazing friends in school and at work, whom I miss a lot. I also miss all the restaurants and Mexican food. I found my lovely cat Julie who gave birth to my cat Doobie, whom I have now. I wanted to get away from my family, so I came to Buffalo after being accepted to UB. I again went out with my ex from high school, he went into the army. Things got complicated, my parents found out from a friend I confided in, who lived in Houston. A few months later it ended with us, he was a douche bag too, and ignored me. I was doing most of the work basically. I cared too much. But now I went back to Houston, and was getting ready to go back to school there, I didn't like the architecture program at UB. I was going to do biology (what my parents wanted) in Uni of Houston. I started working in Fiesta again in the summer to pay off the expenses from UB. Which was another reason I left, it was expensive to dorm with annoying dorm mate, in a tiny space. Just insane, and on top I was charged the health insurance from the school, which I worked all summer to pay off, about $2,000. I know sucked, because I never even went to the doctor. What was more irritating was my ex was permanently stationed in Fort Hood, TX. yet he broke up with me. It made no sense. But now it does. As I ended up moving back to Buffalo. This time my whole family came along. My sister who is married she also moved to Pennsylvania. We were happy because we all love New York. But it was not so great.

                                                           

 My father put us in a 2nd floor of a house that was his friends. The friend just passed away, and so we moved in, but didn't really like the place. At first things were okay, the family was nice. They even helped me out with my luggage when I went back to Houston and held my suitcase for me. I thought I would never see that suitcase, and that would have been horrible since it had my clothes, perfumes, jewelry, and everything else I loved. But somehow I got it back. Things got bad once the rent was being given late, by my father. I did not work, my mom did not either, we were just starting to settle back. I was taking classes and getting back into school. I had to skip a semester since we were in the middle of the move. I struggled in biology for a year and a half. In the mean time my father moved to New Jersey, and basically ditched us. We were crammed in a small 2nd floor house, with so many boxes and things. We moved from a 3 bedroom 2 and a half bathroom, with a garage, backyard, into a 1 bathroom and 3 bedroom place, on the 2nd floor. It was a bit tough to adjust. Most of the stuff was of my father's work equipment. On top of that my sister left Pennsylvania to move to Texas, and stayed with us for a few weeks. When they left they also left one of their cat. They have 3 cats. While they were staying one of the cat had babies. So there were 6 cats, including mine.

                                       

Next, we all find out my father is having an affair with some woman. He met her on Facebook, and she is much younger than him. My mom basically lost it. During winter break we went to New York, along with my sister and her husband to talk sense to my father. That did not work. My father came back with us, only for more drama to occur. My mom was passing out here and there, I wake up to screaming and yelling. It was a nightmare. I am not usually comfortable talking about this, and I never share this part of my life with anyone, just cause its is too much for me to handle. But I feel like I need to let myself free from it all. I shouldn't be ashamed of my life. I did not know these things would happen to me. Sometimes it feels unreal. I feel like I am watching a movie. I imagine the worst of the worst, but yet still somehow life is always throwing things I could never imagine. I had many problems but I always thought my family would always be together through it all. So now, my mom was going in so much trauma, and my father ditched us again, with rent collecting up. The family friends were now enemies. They had their own issues in general.

Next thing, my mother found out she has breast cancer. My mom is a healthy person, but maybe living in Texas and eating all that chicken got to her. I know I gained weight in Texas too. So now, my mom had her surgery, and we were hoping maybe my father would be there now. But again he did not care at all. He actually told my mom that she deserved it and God is punishing her. That is sickening because all my mother ever did was take care of her children and husband. My mother is very hardworking. I love her so much. It hurts me to know this happened to her. Out of all the people I don't think my mom deserved this ever. She was like the trophy wife for my father. She cooked, cleaned, she would do his laundry, iron his clothes. She wouldn't let him wash dishes. She let him insult her cooking. He complained about stupid things all the time. My father is the lowest of the low in my book. I hated him because he is the most unorganized and dysfunctional person I have ever met. He wouldn't let my mom work, she even tried to go to do a dental assistant program. He stopped her from working losing so many jobs. As a child I would observe his way of living, and what sucked was I was stuck in this life. He had a passion for photography, yet he spent a lot of time at home, wasting time on his computer. My father many times did do work, he would do photography and videography. He did do well at times. But the money he made he would spend it all on more stuff for his work, instead of paying bills and rent. He has no order in his life. Often he would sleep late and watch Bollywood movies all night. Every other month, my father went from being religious, to modern. One minute he had a beard, the next its gone. He would even decide to stop doing photography, and try another job, only to quit, and go back to photography. He fought with my mother, and most of the time, my siblings and I had to break the fight.

                                                   

I had a brutal childhood. I remember when I was 4 years I saw my father break a brand new coffee table in half. He once came home from work, and he showed my mom these decoration framed pictures of flowers in vases that he bought in a set of 3, and my mom simply said that they should save money. He broke 1 of the glass frames right there, in the bedroom, smashing it. I was 4 years old, and I woke up seeing this. I still remember it picture perfect. It sucks, cause that is not what I want to remember. I got beat for a bit once I became older. Same as my siblings did too. We all had a fare share of beatings. It hurt me for a long time. I would cry and picture it all, but now I forgive my parents for that, because I know a lot of kids get that. Or had that growing up. It bothers me sometimes. I am not sure what to feel about life. I was blessed but not blessed. I got to live in a house but was never really mine. A lot of fighting and drama in that house. Good memories too though, only of those when I would play and be a kid. My father did love us at one point.

                                                       

But I have gotten through it all in the end. My mom went through chemotherapy. I started working at this restaurant, it was not enough to pay rent or really anything. It did help me with pocket money, and I guess paying for my cell phone bill. Or sometimes buying textbooks. There was a point where my father did not even have money to pay for the rent since he lived in NJ and paid rent there too. My mother had to sell some of her jewelry to pay rent. I remember my father told us to stand in the street and sell our bodies for $50.00. I was listening to him yell at my mom on the phone, and once I heard that I lost it. He always played innocent as though he has done nothing wrong. That was the last straw. Now the end of the year was coming, and the landlord lady's daughter was kicking us out. My father somehow came and helped move the furniture and everything in a truck to take to NJ. Although it was not peacefull. I mean he went psycho, and I had to call the police on him. I thought he would hit my mom. I wasn't going to tolerate that since she was going through chemotherapy. He was running upstairs to come after me. As I am not scared of him, and I was letting all my anger out, about all the insanity he has done.

                                                         

                       

So now my mom, little sister, 2 cats, and I moved to a room a few blocks away. My brother lived with my dad in NJ. My mom was finishing up her appointments. I know it wasn't easy since my mom constantly talked about my father and it was depressing for me, so it was tough. But finally my mom and little sister got throught it all, and moved to NJ to live with my father. They stayed there for a few months. Then they, my mom, brother, and little sister moved to Lubbock, TX, where they now live with my older sister and her husband. They are doing well. The cat went back too with them. So now I just have my one cat Doobie.

It is so much better now, I still can't believe that I went through so much. I look back and a lot of it has been drained out of my thoughts, not wanting to remember. What my father did, I never showed emotion, but now as I look back I am finally feeling the pain. For the first time in my life I have control of my life. I have my rules, and my decisions. It feels amazing. My mother works now at a school as a lunch lady. My brother also has a job working in McDonalds. My older sister is working as well. Her husband is doing his PhD in argiculture. My little sister is staying in one school for more than a year. But still a long way to go.
                                                 
                                                     

Life has thrown rocks at me rather then lemons. I managed to build a pathway, a road, and slowly I am getting closer to my dreams. I am not an architect or a doctor. I am now a writer. I learn that things happen for a reason. I somehow am doing what I was meant to do. My father is now back in Texas as well, except he lives in Houston now, with that woman. I have not had contact with him in since January. The last time I saw him was last year in June. I walked my graduation ceremony, no call, no text, nothing. I was alone on my graduation ceremony. I didn't even want to go because I knew how it would end. Me walking home alone, no one to take pictures with, and it hurt to see so many people taking pictures with their parents, and relatives, hugs, and flowers everywhere. I had to ask a random person to take a pic of me. I treated myself to a green tea frappucino. But my mom will visit me at the end of July now. She couldn't come because of her job. One of my cousin is getting married and we all will be able to reunite. I talk to my mother all the time on the phone.

I am so lucky, I managed to finally get a job that pays on a weekly basis, with a schedule. I am praying I am not late anymore. I will sleep at the mall if I have to. This is the first real legit job I have that can help me work my way up, even though it is not related to English, at the moment it is great. I still have some school so I am hoping once thats done I can try to get a teaching job.

I know I may have written some of this before in my previous posts, but I always avoided talking about my father. I also rarely talk about my love life. During the time of finding out about my father, my ex became a friend, and I confided in him a lot. I know his parents got divorced so I was able to relate a bit to him. Although my parents are not divorced. But later on my ex and I had issues, he was insecure and jealous, and I guess lonely. He hid things from me, took advantage of my kindness. I started giving him a taste of his medicine and he didn't like it, so now he is out of my life for good. I do think of him sometimes, but I don't need anymore people or people that bring drama in my life anymore. I hope I can find someone better, who will make me happy, and give me importance in their life, not just to boost their ego, or to help them kill time. My ex was not Muslim he was Catholic, and he was Ecuadorian which was also an issue. I have old fashion morals about sex, and relationships. I believe in being with someone and sex being the last thing on my mind. I know today people do it all the time. But I could never do it with a random stranger. I would hate myself. I have diginity and respect for myself. Sex is an intimate and beautiful pleasure, that should be done with a person you love. That is what I believe. If I started treating people like pieces of meat, I might as well be hit by a bus. I lose value in my self too. I rather be with someone who will want me and love me without even touching me. Love me for my personality, my intellect, my weird sense of humor.

                                   

Ever since then I have been single. it has been too too long. I feel lonely so many nights and days, but I know when the time is right it will happen. I also don't like to force things. I think love should happen naturally, like everything else in life.

But anyway, right now I am focusing on myself. I want to help people that need help. I want to teach, I want to make a change in the world and give back. So many times I see the news wishing there was a way to help them knowing they are actually helped. I want feed children and physically donate food in person, donate medicine. I want to teach writing and reading to anyone.