Moving Forward.. Into Autumn

  Summer is ending. It was an amazing summer. This summer I made sure I enjoyed every day of it, no matter how hot it was. Last winter was brutal, and I cried, I was miserable, because for once I wanted to see the grass, and the ground, instead of snow. It was a brutal 6-7 months. Than the 5 layering of clothes, and the walking was the worst. I really desperately had made it my goal to get my license and a car before winter comes. I just need practice, and I did go for a lesson, but ofcourse it gets expensive. I know I will have to spend it, but I know my driving is okay, I just need to practice. The problem is I don't have any friends that have cars. Even if they did, I don't have the guts to ask them. I guess I want to make sure that I am not going crazy spending the little money I have.

 I lost my job at JcPenney, all because apparantly I stole time. I basically forgot to clock in and when it was time to leave I clocked in and out. Didn't think it was a problem, but I was late, and I did not remember what time I came in. But somehow I did this twice, and somehow that was more than enough, and I was fired for stealing time.. I guess maybe that is why I don't even care about losing the job. I just needed the money, and I guess because I am so used to being busy. The job sucked, I have to admit it. I think subconsciously I was sabtoging the job. I guess because I knew it was a pointless and meaningless job, for me at least it was. I just cannot see myself doing the same thing every single day and being excited about it. I can't believe there are people that worked there for years and are happy. I did not find the job challenging, so I just did not care as much. I do feel bad for the people that hired me, and I did want to continue working only because some of the people there were really nice. But I really felt like that job was not fitting with me. So in a way I did not really lose much. I am kind of relieved, because those early hours were killing me, and taking the bus, plus I was buying stuff because well, when I see pretty things, I want it. Especially it is more tempting to buy when things are on sale. So I think I was spending more money, because I was out and about a lot more. Working in the mall is not a good idea. I have not been to the mall since the last time I worked there. If I do go now, its only because two one of my hoodie and sweater are starting to fall apart. One has a hole that I can put my finger through, and I can sew it up, but until then, theres a hole. Then the other one, has two tiny holes, near the zipper. I have a feeling that was done by my cat's nails. But anyway, since then I have not spent money, aside from food and bills. I am still waiting on that call from the daycare for an interview. I still have to go and apply for a job at that tutoring center in my school. At the moment I don't really have the desire to work, but if it is related to teaching or my field, I will do it. I just have to keep trying.


                 

I also did not get into the Peace Corp program, which was the reason I started this blog. But again, in a way I am relieved. I was definitely dissapointed, because I was preparing my mind for what I had to do if I did get accepted. But I do understand why I did not get accepted. I know I don't have experience in teaching, and I think the requirement for teaching English in other countries is to have the TESOL or TEFOL. I don't have that. So it makes sense, and I think I do need experience before I can teach abroad. I also am relieved because I don't think I was ready for the sudden change, since I would be leaving in March of 2016. I still want to learn to drive, I want a car. I was freaking out about my cat, and my things. I lied a bit to my mom, telling her it was only a few months. I also thought how will I get married? Since it is 2 whole years in another country. That is definitely too much. I also think that I did not do enough research, and I chose Albania. It is not a problem, but maybe next time I will just let them choose for me. I feel if I had chosen to be a regular volunteer I would have been picked, but since they have teaching English as a program, and I am studying to be an English teacher, I thought, why not? So I know I was being constricting with my options.

                                           Been watching Grey's Anatomy.. Seattle ^^


So now, I have time to finish things. I have started my teaching certification program. The issues I had with adding classes was because I had applied to recieve my diploma by fall. Now I changed it to spring, so I will get my diploma in February. I know I wasn't going to get it since I still have one class left. Now the classes I am taking for teaching certification are for the teaching certification but I am allowed to take some classes as an undergraduate. Now when I do the teaching certification for next semester it will not be the same, because I will not be able to take more than 2 classes, unless I apply for a masters program. But I am not sure about UBs master program, or if I will do my masters right away. So it sucks because it might take me longer. I probably have about 6 classes to take, and 2 are field experience classes, in which I would go to schools and observe or assist teachers, these are 2 week sessions. I know I can take classes in the summer as well. So maybe I might finish by fall of next year for my certification, if that is I do well and get a B or higher in all my classes for the T.C.

Now that I know how the program works, it's also why I did not want to leave in the middle without finishing my certification. Now, I can definitely complete it with ease. I also feel that I need to take care of my mother and sister first. I feel like I need to focus and just get a teaching job. I want to have my mother live with me, and I want to buy a house for us to live in together. I really feel that I am getting older, and I need to start taking action with my life. I have a lot of ideas, I would say I could have entrepreneur qualities. I am always thinking of new restaurants, and bakery ideas, or any type of business really. I also just came up with the idea of opening a book store, from watching this British show called Black Books. I also have suddenly realized how important public libraries are, and hope if I am wealthy enough, I can make a library somewhere, maybe in Buffalo? Although, there is a public library here, it sucks, and it is very small. I know what a nice library looks like, where I lived in Long Island, has the best library I have ever seen. I grew up watching that library grow. I read so many books, and watched many movies from that library. It is what created my love for reading and writing. So I hope one day I can also create a library for other kids too.

                                           

I have now the time to relax, and just focus on my education and career. I definitely am going to try to write more. I want to try to get involved at my school as well. I really need to start losing weight. I have become so big and I only noticed from the pictures at my cousin's wedding. I have blown up like a house. This is the heaviest I have ever been. I don't want to be like those people that just let go of themselves after college. I want to be a hot adult. I am more worried that I will get a heart attack, or get clogged arteries. With being overweight health problems increase. I don't want to be in hospitals. So now, I am trying to eat better. So far, its half healthy and half unhealthy. Basically I will eat fruit, but also eat pizza. Or I drink green tea, and eat mac n' cheese. It is truly pathetic. But I know I am trying. I have bought fruit for the first time in months. I haven't eaten fruit other than a banana, in so long. It literally shocks me. I always worry about fruit rotting, or being expensive, but it tastes good. I always was trying to find a substitute for sweets, and I feel dumb, I never even thought of just eating fruits. I haven't had ice cream in about 2 weeks. I did eat muffins and chocolate a few days ago, and a frappucino. Today all I had was a pizza pie from Dominos, and a banana. with green tea of course. It was great, but I also have the urge to do a bunch of squats and push ups?? See I am hopeless. But now I plan to go to the gym tomorrow, in my school. I will try my best to go to the gym at least 3 times a week. I know my problem is I go really hardcore on the first day, and I don't feel pain so I assume I can handle it. Then I will go a second day, and then a few days later the pain kicks in. Then I turn into a handicapped person, thats limping and walking like I have a hunchback. I cry every time I breathe. So then I tell myself I will not work out for 2 weeks so I can heal, which turns to months, and then a year later, a new year happens. I try again, and the cycle repeats. Only one time, this year I managed to work out for 2 weeks, and I went about 6 times to the gym in those 2 weeks. During the new year, when I was visiting my mom in Texas, I ran 2 miles, and did a bunch of weight lifting in the gym at my sister's apt complex. I did not sleep the next 2 days. I had the worst pain in my ankles and legs, that I could not lay down, I had to sleep sitting, and I had to take a lot of asprin to numb the pain. On top of that I got really bad eczema all over my stomach and armpits from taking a really hot shower or something. I had to use black soap for a month and thanfully its gone, but I do have some scars.

           

 So now, I am going to go slow. I will do light excersizes and slowly increase my workout time. I also am trying to slove my rotting vegetables problem. I am thinking of just buying frozen vegetables, since it lasts longer. I was also thinking of freezing my vegetables, but I know once winter comes, it will be easier to buy vegetables. I have been making up my fasts, but I have been doing them slowly as well. I have 17 fasts to make up now. I just can't believe I gained weight. I know I am self conscious, but I will say it, I weigh 180 lbs. I used to weigh 170 a few months ago. And a year ago I weighed 160 lbs. I weighed 130 lbs at some point as well. My goal was to go back to that. It sucks that each time I have to add 10 lbs more that I now have to lose. It sucks because I know I can do it, but I keep giving in to my cravings, and I have too many cravings. It is a real struggle. I know the only way is that I have to eat less, and not eat out. But I also have to eat healthier. I am not young anymore, and I know my metabolism is slowing down, which means I have to work twice as hard. I just really hope I can do it once and for all.

   



School at the moment is great, I have a lot of assignments and readings, but somehow I like it. I am taking 2 classes online, and 2 on campus. One of the class is only once a week, and the other is 3 times a week and it is the spanish class. So this semester is so breezy. Also the weather is amazing, and the temperature is in the perfect 70s. I miss Long Island a lot during this time of year. Not that Buffalo isn't nice during autumn, but it was just cozier in Long Island, being able to hang out with friends and family. Holidays are all during this time. So I now, am hoping that I can get a teaching job in Long Island. I also want to do my masters somewhere else. I thought of Buffalo, but I am tired of being in Buffalo. Although it has been good living here, but it is so quiet, and boring. If it weren't for the college that I am in, there would be no life here. There are events that happen here, but I have no clue about them. Buffalo is a small town, people that are from here love it, and call it home. But I am not from Buffalo, and I can never understand when these Buffalonians tell me about the things in Buffalo. The worst part is Buffalo reminds me of Long Island, it is a suburban area afterall. But the problem is it is 8 hours from Long Island and NYC. The other problem is Buffalo doesn't have much. There are only so many times you can celebrate a certain event until it starts to get boring. But in NYC there is always something new to check out, somewhere new to eat. I feel like a part of me has become invisible ever since I have been living in Buffalo. I have slowly become a home body. I used to hate being at home all the time. When I am in NYC I become alive, when I see my friends I feel like I have a life. Even though I go to school, its all about school. My friends in school are busy studying, as so am I. If I want to go somewhere, I have to walk, or take the bus, which is inconvinient. There aren't many places to go to begin with. All my close friends graduated, and moved on. I am the only one left. But again I do have other friends, I guess.. but again its just not the same. I don't have anyone here so I feel empty. I do believe if my mother and sister were here, I may survive. But again,we all want to live in Long Island, so my new plan is to get us all there.